Being a (not so) young female in Kuala Lumpur… must be blue collar or working at a pub, right?

After contemplating so long, I decided to buy a new waterproof camera. And of course since my dear sister have been nagging me to check the price of a Vaio Pro comp at Low Yat Plaza (supposedly the cheapest IT center in SEA)…

So I went to Low Yat Plaza alone! Since today was unusually hot, so I decided to be somewhat like the locals, I wear my shorts and sporty sleeveless top.

I went to one store to another… checking the one to give me the best price! Maybe I don’t look like someone with money, because most of them don’t really try to sell me anything. But they are quite nice enough to tell me the price and some comparisons 🙂

So, I reached to the 3rd shop and this one gave me the cheapest from the other 2 shops (and because I am too lazy to walk around in that crowded plaza), so I decided to buy it from them.

The shop keeper, a guy, ask me where I came from. I answer Indonesia, and again he ask, you come for holiday or work here? I said, I work here. And another question, where? I said, Bukit Damansara. And then…. the big question, “You work at a pub?”

He???? I said, I’m a researcher. And I ask, “Do I look like working in a pub?”, he just grinned away.

Yeah, sure. Indonesian chick, must be a whore!

I can’t believe the perception is just very low here. Even one of our office girl (lady), think that too. The first days I was in, I saw her passport, and it was Indonesian. So I ask her, “Hey, you’re Indonesian?” (in Bahasa Indonesia of course), she was kinda reluctant to answer, I said, “I’m Indonesian too”. Aaaannnddd… bitterly she answered, “There’s no Indonesians working in office (as white collar she meant)”. Then I said, “But I am Indonesian”, and I walked away… I was too shocked at that time.

Whenever I said that I’m Indonesian, a lot of people give me that smirk or dirty look. Luckily, I often dress well and wear proper make-ups. So, whenever I met people after work, they don’t give that look. But, on weekends like this. With my relaxed clothes and no make-ups, only God knows what they thought of me. I don’t want to start walking around with tights, heels and make-up on weekends! It’s the only time I can be free and not to worry about my look.

Well, because a lot of white collar Indonesian people would not come and work here, because you-know-why. The image of Indonesian worker became tainted. It seems they (Malaysians) thought, no one in Indonesia is talented enough.

Well, what can I say… (I-should-not-say-anything-right-now)

Mask-up

I’ve been so amazed by make-up…

Well, I’m a girl, and a professional… at some point in life, I learned to wear/use make-up.

It’s interesting… the fact that make-up is applied on our body, but people use the word ‘wear make-up’ as opposed to ‘use make-up’
Like wearing clothings…

People used to use make-up to enhance their appearance (not sure if that is the absolute truth these days)… but often they don’t use natural colours.

I mean, blue, green, red… I never seen any baby born with a metallic green eyelids!
And others were impressed on how that colour ‘brings out the natural beauty’… and again, how can purple be natural??

I’ve seen (and I know you all seen this as well) some girls on youtube and other media showing the world how they can change their looks with a ton of make-up on their face. Others go to the extreme and did some surgery – those barbie wannabes!!

Who the hell decide the benchmark of beauty anyway?

I’ve heard people saying “Oh she looks so pretty” while all of them KNEW that girl was using heavy duty make-up.

What is wrong this people these days?

Back in the days when make-up first used, it were the men who use them – yes, google them!

Today, oh well, we can see men and women are using make-up.

Make-up now is used to put a mask on a person, they don’t like who they are. They want to pretend or experienced to be someone else for a moment. Thus, they used make-up.

I do play part in this sin… I used make-up to cover up my all-nighter face or to cover-up my nicotine stained lips. I wanted people to see me as a fresh and youthful person. But still me. not completely.

The make-up business is absolutely crazy!! For instance, for me to get a ‘fresh look’ (without altering anything of my face), I need:

1. Concealer

2. Foundation

3. Compact powder

4. Mascara

5. Liquid eyeliner

6. Pencil eyeliner

7. Blush on

8. Lipstick

And don’t forget to mention 3 base skin care that I use daily: eye cream, serum and moisturiser

 

the money I spent to get a freakin’ ‘fresh look’!!!! As for parties… I will use a lot more!!! Because I want to look ‘special’.

I am a victim of marketing!!!!! And how can society accept this?

 

And the funny thing is that society have little (if no) respect to those who are actually ‘natural look’ – come on, when I use no make-up at all, no one of those SPG would even look at me.

Tequilla sour

Most of the time I don’t understand why people uses me as their benchmark… as their competitor.
I’m not the smartest girl in the world, though I also believe that I’m not the dumbest.
Right now, I am exhausted! People want to prove that they are smarter than me by trying to bend me.
YES, it is bending!
Why can’t they be confident by being who and what they are?
Why must they overcome other people?
Believe you me, I absolutely agree that I need to learn more, but why can’t you see that you also need to learn more?
I just wish that we all could complete each other and work together, than spending the energy to… what? So what if you can prove that you are goddamn smarter than me?
Is that an accomplishment? Is that you life’s achievement?
How more can your life be even more sadder??
I am no one, I tell you. Bending me doesn’t prove anything.
It’s just telling the world that you are better than… nothing!
If you see me happy and enjoys life, it’s because I learn to let go.
I learn to be grateful,  grateful that life has taught me, grateful that life has given me the chance to feel and to fall.
I am not your benchmark, your mind is playing trick on you. 

Sad and Lonely

🙂

I can’t help to smile when I heard those words came from one who I thought know me better…

I am describe as sad and lonely… maybe I was… but I know for sure that I am bitter and cut-throat (-bitch, if you want)

 

The funny part for me is that I’ve been happy and content for quite some time now… I have found what I want – (or you can say who I want), and we’ve been quite open… not that we proclaim anything… it’s that kind of relationship. We don’t need social approval 😉

If she would describe me as bitter and sharp-mouth or even cut-throat, I couldn’t agree more!! I got many disappointments in life and I am upset that I cannot set the world according to ME… 😀

 

And the sad part is… she was one my confidants… she ought to know, right?

Well… you thought you know the people you love and grow up with, you couldn’t be more wrong!

Okay… I admit, I tend to be attracted to sad and lonely people, why? because they usually are logical and not blurred by “happy hormones” and deluded by happiness… and they can see the angles I like 🙂

 

And am I so wrong to like befriend with them? I am sorry that they are sad and lonely, but they are the best people I want to be with… I don’t want to be deluded with the promise of happiness and sorts, I am real and I like facts… yes, I am cold 🙂

I don’t laugh easily, not easy to entertain me, not easy to engage me, I don’t like around happy people… they dream too much, and they believe too much on themselves…

 

But sad and lonely?

I remember being sad when I decided to end some of my (exciting) relationships… or when I remember the guy who brought emotional tornado in me… or if thinking I cannot see my better half anymore…

I can feel lonely… when thinking about my dad – I feel I’m all alone, when I was in my former office… when I know everyone is but an enemy… I do feel lonely when I have to pull up my blanket in my single bed after seeing my better half…

 

I can’t help to smile… my choice of music should’ve tell more about my feelings and emotional condition, eh?

 

You… yes, you!

You know, many times you scared the shit out of me… especially when I see the web you twine, the way I am tangled and fall into the trap of dew’s sparkle on your web.
You, your power and the way you abuse your power… scares the hell out of me!!!
I admit that you are one savvy person when it comes to be ‘politically correct’… many times I wish to have your kind of skill… you patiently twine the web and set the plot up. While I’m too busy having a real life, too busy letting my mind wonder around to the unknown. If only I have your persistence, I might be missing out on life…

Yet, I couldn’t thank you enough… you taught me to be strong, to taught me to stand on my own, you taught me to let go, and you help me to move on… I might hesitate and less motivated if you didn’t do the things you do.

Though, I don’t quite understand why are you upset and angry at me. I though you’ll be glad and happy to have me out of the way?? You got what you asked for, but still you are upset. What is it dear you? You are amazing and brilliant, I will not challenge that…

Me, of course, couldn’t care less 😉

Another day in paradise

Nothing of such!

My paradise lies hidden in my books and my head… Whenever I need to escape this big bad world, I open one of my books and it carries me far far from my body is.

If I have no book at hand, I will close my eyes…. try to remember all the dreams I had from I was little.

A friend of mine said, the only barrier between me and my happiness, is my own mine. I think he didn’t say it properly… since my mind helps me escape and helps me stay strong. I don’t believe it is my barrier… IF he had said that the only barrier is my NEGATIVE THOUGHTS I would agree in a heart beat.

I often said that my worse enemy is my heart… it is treatorous and self-fulfilling ba*tard. It often lead me to some place I shouldn’t be in.

A colleague of mine also said, “I wish I could split my head and heart, I wish when at work, I can leave my heart at home”… I told her, the people who are able to do that, are the most unhappy people in the world.

I believe, we need to have some passion and affection of anything that we do, not only to excel in it. But to fully enjoy the things we do.

We often think that we are special, we are different and we are one of a kind in this world – my friend D said this to me… and she couldn’t be anymore right.

Just when my colleague is saying about the hardship to find one of her equal… then I though.. HELL I SAID THAT TOO!!

Retracing back… maybe, it’s not the world’s fault. It’s ME! there are a few possibilities:

1. Been looking at the wrong place

2. Been hanging out with the wrong place

3. Been wrong about what I need

4. Been undermining people

5. Been overestimating oneself

6. Been right all along

 

As far as I know, I have no idea which of those I am under at.

All I know, I love this Sunday (not that I don’t have work to do) – it’s just felt like a perfect Sunday…

Silly Competitions

People often compete for the weirdest things… I didn’t know HOW WEIRD until today…

I always thought that MEN are the ones who usually competitive and absurd in their reason for competition, but today I found out that the law of nature does not escape female also.

For many years, I know that I’ve always been a huge jerk… I might win in jerk competition (see… even for being a jerk I am competitive LOL).

But today, I am losing badly… 😀

Not as being a JERK, but by having the smallest JUNK hahaha… yes, people it’s not litter that I am talking about, instead ‘women’s junk’

Like I said, I thought MEN was silly… they boast about their ‘gun’ and feel intimidated if others have bigger ‘thing’ than theirs. I remember a friend of mine (a male friend!!) told me a story… This guy, he is a big guy. And when he spent time in Australia for his collage and Uni, he said that… “one day, when I was in a gym shower, which is communal… I thought my ‘thing’ is quite impressive. And then when I was taking a shower, the person next to me was a ‘bule’ kid. You know that we, men, actually peek and compare each other in secret. So when I look at this kid’s ‘thing’… he was big, bigger than me… I was embarrassed and I hid myself…”

I though that story was so cute, first because he is so open and actually not really ashamed to told me the story and the fact that men to COMPARE! And I thought women would never do that!! Of course you have to forgive my naiveness 😛

Today, the incident happens because I bought a bra online… which I thought it’s my regular size, but when the good arrives and I tried it on… it was one size too small for me!! I really need to go on real diet!!

So I brought the bra to the office, since I know my sisters are not that size too… and I offer it to a friend, but she said please offer it to K, I don’t think I can take care of this kind of bra.

So I did it (though I doubt K will buys it… if she does, she will only willing to pay 30% or the real price), and I help her try the chest line, it fits! but the cup… she said I’m this cup is too small for me!! and I was gagged! It’s a freaking B cup… and for me, she looks like an A cup.

And then she said, but I’m a C cup… I was bursting and ALMOST said the meanest thing… but I can restrain myself (see I’m not that mean)… K adds, “I hid it pretty well…”. Okay, WHERE can you hide a C cup boobs that glued to your chest?? Does she has a hole on her ribcage and stuffed it with her lungs??? I don’t think ANYONE would find difficulties to hide a C cup and to be missed by human eyes…

So I ask for other girl’s opinion, N… and asking the wrong girl!!

She said, “but K is quit big, she can be a C”… I was like… “what? huh? she doesn’t even have a cleavage!! (and looking down on my shirt and looking at K’s”

And this girl I asked, N, “…yes she can, I’m a C cup also”… you cannot imagine the meanest things going on in my head!!!! N is even flatter than a drawing board!!! (okay, that’s an exaggeration… but she’s flat!)

I wonder what kind of mirror these girls have at home… or they don’t even know their own size?

So I did the next meanest thing… I sent a picture of a girl with C cup… which looks like half of a melon on each side… and still K insisted that she hid it VERY WELL… WHERE damn it???? WHERE??? I really need to know the trick to hide huge boobs in case of emergency 😛

So N added, “you just can’t have to know that K is bigger than you are…”, well for one, I am NOT BLIND. And second, puuuhhhlllleeeezzzz… if you want to bullshit me, be smart, at least not with something that is OBVIOUS! I mean if K is wearing a burqa, I would agree… but she is wearing shirts that’s even tinier than my tight shirts.

Okay, I know I am bitching again…

Then I come to this conclusion, it’s not only MEN who compete and bragged about their size, but women also… I mean the existence of push-up bra, so many breast augmentation jobs and of course… those invisible breast silicone padding!!

It is in the human nature… not that because we want to exist, but the fact that bigger boobs means that you can provide sufficient milk for the infants and makes you a more eligible candidate to be chosen to bear someone’s child and in return to get shelter and being provided (so Darwinian).

Do I feel like a looser? NO, I feel like I am being offended… how can they think that I am blind????

Modern day fairytale – Every girl is waiting to be saved…

Every girl is waiting to be saved by a hero, and every boy is looking for a damsel in distress to save…

That word keeps repeating in my head after I watched ‘New Moon’ – yes, you can flame me with everything you got, now that you know I’ve finally watched the ‘twilight series’.

But seeing how Bella runs into Jacob’s arm when Edward is gone, makes me realised how true the fairy tales are… every girl is a damsel in distress… somehow. One may have money problem, one may have insecurity problem, and so on…

While the boys, they think that they are the heroes who are born into this world with superpower and that they can save others, instead themselves. (In this case, I think the girls are way smarter… they can just sit around without moving a finger and a hero will come and saves the day – a typical Rapunzel character!) – I’ve watched ‘Brothers Grimm’ too!!

I know I am a cynic… not that I don’t need to be rescued, on the contrary, I am dying to be rescued. But the right hero hasn’t arrived yet.

There is one before, he only brings a sword… he managed to cut thru to the thick bushes and had to turn back home because he can’t get in the castle.

And another one, he managed to pick the lock to the castle door, but didn’t bring a flashlight to see where he is going… I actually don’t know what happened to him after he got in 😛

And another one, he came with a blazing torch on his hand, managed to climb to the 3^rd floor where he found a pretty maid who gave an excellent ‘service’ and stuck there (I think they’ve got 3 kids now).

And another one, he just walks in and climbed to the room where I stayed… we looked at each other eyes and we just realised that we are not meant for each other and then he just left.

You see, the heroes that came to the tower where I am captured by the evil witch (known as ME), had not came with the right ‘equipments’ to be able to rescue me or when they do, I am not the right princess they want to save.

I guess that is what happened in real life… the men are looking for the girl who they think they can save and the women, they have different towers. Some are just common towers with a dragon, others may have a very thick stronghold with so many barricades to get through.

Can you follow me?

If you cannot, read it again until you do… just imagine it in modern day life needs.

What I’m trying to say is that finding the right tower or damsel that matches with the hero or prince’s ability and capability may takes more than just a pretty face on the tower’s window… they need to overcome the obstacles and ensure that they are carrying the right equipments and wit – in case a sphinx stands in the way and asking ridiculous questions J

My last letter to you…

I never thought I’m gonna say this… but yes, we had our moment and I miss that a lot… Those late night conversations, all was always emotionally stirring and so refreshing… I thought, it was just a talk… but now I can see clearly… I was in love.You notice the past-tense? Yes, not anymore… I am all broken heart now. And the funny thing is, I didn’t even realise that until now…

But let me remember all the great conversations we once had… just for a little while. When I try to remember all of what we’ve talked about… all I can see is us, twirling around in a tornado of ecstasy… funny how emotions got through that instant messenger box. But you turn me in and out, up and down, you make me feel alive!!! Yes, I feel more alive when talking to you… at that time, I really don’t know what I feel about you. I thought you’re just a great chat buddy. Even when we finally meet, it was a good time.

Yesterday, I passed through our first meeting place… and I laugh. And said to myself, that’s where I dated you for the first time, and there’s a small voice in me that said, I’m never going there anymore. I didn’t understand. But now I do.

When you told me that you are going to marry someone else, I don’t feel angry or anything… but I know that we will never have a great conversation again after that. I feel what a pity… I really like talking to you. I think, I wrote you an email when you already decided to choose her, but I didn’t know… if I know, I would never write that email. But I’m glad, I had the chance to thank you. So this is the last thing I ever write to you… I removed you from my life.

You betrayed me. You gave me hope, but never give me the chance to fight. You told me that I inspire you, but you turn away from me. I thank you for giving me the chance to taste ‘alive’, but I curse you for being shallow over me. You are not just another guy, but you are the guy who broke my heart and put it frozen. I hate you because you made me fall in love, but I am grateful for letting me see through who you really are.

I know you think of me… and I know you will always think of me.

Kodrat wanita (Women’s nature)

Secara pribadi, saya merasa kata-kata ‘kodrat wanita’ itu telah di pergunakan secara berlebih dan disalah gunakan. Kenapa?
Karena setiap kali saya berargumentasi tentang hal-hal yang ingin saya capai dan hal-hal yang ingin saya lakukan, maka ada saja seorang pria dengan sok tahunya akan berkata “Engga bisa kaya gitu dong, kan udah kodrat wanita…” Haiz!

Lama-kelamaan, saya merasa kata-kata itu digunakan untuk membatasi ruang lingkup dimana wanita bisa bergerak dan berkarya… dan yang lebih membuat saya naik pitam adalah saat wanita lain mencela dan menghina seorang wanita yang mementingkan keingingan pribadinya… hey, apa salahnya bila dia ingin menggapai bintang? Apakah dia melukai anda? Apakah dia mencorengkan muka anda dengan jelaga bila ia benar melakukan itu?

Semua tindakan ada konsekuensinya, dan saya rasa mereka tahu dan sadar itu kok… kenapa orang lain harus repot-repot menghakimi apa-apa saja yang bisa dan tidak bisa seseorang lakukan? Apakah pada akhirnya dia harus menghadapi anda untuk mempertanggung jawabkan semua perbuatannya? (mohon jangan pakai ini untuk menyerang balik pernyataan-pernyataan saya)

Yang saya permasalahkan disini adalah, kenapa orang hobi dan getol sekali menekankan kata-kata ‘kodrat wanita’… yang tentunya saya merasa itu jadi vonis dan bukan keistimewaan… wanita harus bisa jadi ibu, helllloooo… pria juga harus bisa jadi ayah, bisa mendidik anaknya, bisa mendampingi anak sehingga anak memiliki figur ayah yang sempurna, bisa menjadi bagian dari keluarga, dll…
Wanita tidak boleh melupakan keluarganya dirumah… oh, jadi ayah boleh? Boleh kerja sampai pagi, boleh tidur dengan wanita-wanita muda, boleh hang out dengan teman-temannya, boleh, dan boleh… (ya, saya marah)
Wanita tidak boleh melupakan kodratnya sebagai wanita…. Bagaimana kami bisa lupa??? Kalian terus-terusan mengingatkan pada kami, seakan-akan kami bodoh luar biasa!!
Apa sech kodrat wanita itu? Kenapa orang-orang terus-terusan menggembar-gemborkan hal ini? Kalau kodrat wanita hanya berhubungan dengan alat reproduksi dan tetek-bengeknya, huh… percaya lah, hal itu tidak menghalangi siapapun untuk berkarya, untuk berbuat, untuk jadi manusia dan untuk maju.

Duh, setiap kali saya mendengar ada pria yang berkata kepada saya, “tapi itu kan kodrat wanita…”, saya merasa seperti mendengar vonis mati, seperti seorang dokter berkata “maaf, hidup anda hanya tinggal 3 hari lagi dan anda tidak boleh melakukan apa-apa sampai waktu ajal menjemput”… yang saya inginkan adalah agar anda mencoba meletakkan diri anda didalam posisi kami, ya… coba bayangkan… yah… sekarang juga boleh… bisa bayangkan? Saya Bantu yah?
Bayangkan, anda seorang wanita dewasa… anda memiliki karir yang cemerlang, anda memiliki kesempatan mendapat beasiswa penuh ke Swiss, anda memiliki seorang kekasih yang ingin sekali menikahi anda, dan berkeras untuk menikah segera, anda berada ditengah 2 pilihan… menikah dan tinggal di tempat anda berada saat ini, atau meneruskan study dan karir anda, dan mungkin menikah setelah study anda selesai… nah saat itu lah orang-orang sekitar anda mulai rebut dengan kata-kata ‘kodrat wanita’…. “sudah kodratnya wanita menjadi istri dan ikut suami”, “kodrat wanita itu menikah dan punya anak”, “kamu jangan menentang kodrat kamu sebagai wanita, yaitu untuk mendampingi suami”…
Tetapi semua orang itu tidak pernah bertanya, apa yang anda inginkan… (mohon bayangkan anda sendiri yang mengalami dan jangan jadi orang ke 3 dlm cerita ini).
Apakah:
a. Anda melepaskan impian anda dan menjadi ibu rumah tangga saja
b. Tetap berkarir yang biasa-biasa saja yang penting nikah
c. Mengambil kesempatan beasiswa dan meneruskan karir cemerlang anda

Mohon berikan alasan yang baik seakan anda lah yang menjalani hidup tersebut.dan katakan pada saya mengapa anda berpuas pada pilihan tersebut.

Untuk para wanita diluar sana… jangan tertipu dengan kata-kata ini, anda bisa bermimpi dan meraih bintang… hanya bila anda mau, bila tidak… maka itu adalah pilihan hidup anda dan tak ada seorangpun yang akan menghakimi anda akan pilihan itu 