A step closer to the self

I love my job. No matter how many times I said it, it is just sound right.

I used to think that my job made me learn about new things, but in fact, it made me learn to understand myself better. Where I came from, why I think, feel and do things the way I do it.

This new job is going to be so much of a challenge! It will drive me mad and crazier than ever.

Recently, well… just now. I read a report about Muslim women. Wait! I’m not going to talk about Muslim woman or how pious I am… oh no… way better than that! I am going to talk and justify why I am not pious and it is not your goddam business.

I am a liberal person in general, I don’t act like I am holier than thou, or know more than anyone in this world. But, I think I got to say that I walk through the whole religious experience…

My parents, in my early years, so I was so very young. Was Pagans. (Don’t tell my mom, I think she still cannot let go her Pagan beliefs). I remember going to these ‘sacred’ places and giving offering to the unseen deities, burning incense, chanting weird prayers, asking the ancestors’ help and so on…. I never liked going to those places. I never saw anything unusual… I think! And of course, they bring this kind of behaviour home… we have these ‘sacred’ objects and the kids need to do ‘chanting’ or do a certain rituals (nothing dodgy I swear).

Then at one point, after my father got a horrible accident. They stopped doing it. Give offerings, meditating and so on.

And then, they slowly turn to Islam… I can’t blame them, it is the only religion they know after Paganism. They do prayer, even group religion discussion. At first, since Paganism is too thick in our blood (oh yes, our long line of heritage is build on Paganism), we still do some ‘Traditional Javanese’ rituals. Even until 25 years ago, my youngest sister, still have to be caged in chicken cage (for a few minutes I promise you, and in a very humane way), walk on colorful sticky rice cake, and so on…

As time passes by, my parents begin to leave all that behind. At least, my father was quite strict about it. Toward his end, he is quite pious… (I miss my dad so much! I wish he can see me and see that I am not the disappointment everyone used to see).

Anyway, after my dad passed away, my mum still hold on to the ‘pious’ way and the gentle & sophisticated Islam (yes it is, the one that say, “the hell with others, we are too busy dealing with our own shit”).

So the recent years, as my father’s influence mellowed down. I got this feeling that my mum’s Paganism is back… I disagree, but as long as she doesn’t hurt anyone, what can I do?

Little I realized, the trace of Paganism never leaves the house… I believe, one of my sisters is still ‘somewhat’ Pagan. I just got this hunches, I might be wrong.

Now, my mum is straying to the extreme Islam… OH SHIT! As long as she is not wearing any dangerous ‘outfit’, she can do whatever. What I mean by ‘extreme’, is that she got to the point saying that my lefty niece, is doing sin by eating with her left hand… SHE IS A FRICKIN’ LEFTY, what do you expect?! Luckily, my sister don’t take action on it… phew!

This long winded story, is actually getting to the point…

I realized my Indonesian Muslims are quite ‘liberal’ in general, as I am. We walk through 5 religions in our culture, we were Pagans, and then Hindus at some point in time, and then we were Buddhists and then a bit of Christian seep into our archipelago, and blocked by Islam. And Islam was trying to wipe other religion away from this country.. I would say…. 80-90% success, seeing the population. But we were not converted from Pagan to Islam directly. The breadcrumbs of other religions stays.

As for me, I experience Paganism and Christian when I was little (we all went to Catholic school, where my mum believes they gave the best education), and then learing Islam and TOLERANCE as I grew up. I remember, TOLERANCE, was a HUGE campaign that our government try to bring in to people. It worked, until… yep! 1998.

As we release ourselves from dictatorship, we also release different kind of monsters.

I am who I am, because my parents raise me in multicultural life. We learn to accept and respect… at least I learn that. Religion, beliefs, or whatever, it is a personal choice. We learn to live the way we want to live.

No Pain, No Gain

Lately I have been thinking… scared to death of my own thinking (okay, not to death… but quite scared).

I’ve been in this new place, new country, new office for 4 months now. I never thought of this when I was in my own country, my own city… But, seeing my new boss, my new company, although they seems to be relaxed and easy going, but I got the impression that my boss is actually harsh and cut-throat.

I’ve seen some people who quietly being let go… with the made up story of going back to their country for whatever reasons… A few have been in the company for more than a year – which means passed their probation. Rumors said that, either they don’t perform, or they don’t go along well with their boss.

This made me think… (yes, I repeat), that me being here, is not given, it is hardwork and obviously not luck! So, I need to constantly prove myself to my boss, to my company and to my team. I am really worried! I am in constant worried that someday, one day… my boss think that I am not good enough and he would ask me to go.

I thought I could be safe here for at least 2 years. But I was wrong. I couldn’t stay if I don’t prove myself. I couldn’t stay if I couldn’t give 110%. What happened when my depression comes back? When I failed to deliver? When any of my team complains about me? When my new boss don’t like me?

What have I got myself into?

They aren’t going to keep anyone who failed to perform, I heard about it before I came. I heard one of the best researcher who my ex-boss praised so much, was let go since she can’t perform… what am I compared to her?

I need to get a backup plan… I asked one of my team, “Do you think I would pass the probation?”, he said “I never know anyone who didn’t pass the probation”. Yeah! But, in my 4 months tenure, I saw 2 people being let go… if not 3!

They said, no pain, no gain. But, how much pain should I endure? I thought I fulfilled my dream… Instead, I got into another nightmare… with a huge pay – fortunately!

New environment

I know that being in a new environment, new culture, would need time before we can actually adapt.

I was always proud that I am the kind of person who can easily adapt and take part in a new place, new environment, new group of people… but not this time.

Although most see me that I am easily adapt, and take part in the social life around my new world, I am actually struggling. Yes, to be honest, I am not completely integrated in my new world. I don’t have friends outside my work, not that I complain about that… but many are worried if I don’t have friends soon, I would be miserable.

I kept telling people that I am actually an introvert, no one really believes me. Seriously, I really enjoy staying at home, cooking, reading book to watching TV the whole day. I don’t even feel like going to the mall – if not for some important errand (like buying gifts and stuffs), I enjoy going to Ikea by myself – I don’t have to worry if the my company feels bored or tired, though I need to worry about my wallet!!!

Nonetheless, I can’t really understand the culture of my new world if I stayed indoor for most of the time. If I am to be a good researcher, I need to mingle and get to know the people around me. I am not sure where to begin?

Joining clubs, hanging out at coffee shops or bars, randomly talk to people? I really don’t feel that I have the energy to do all those.

So what am I to do to address this problem?

Unexpected blessings

Do you ever had that moment when you feel that you are all alone in this world, suddenly you are not sure who are your friends anymore?

Last month, I felt that… I felt that everyone I trusted betrayed me and turns their backs on me. I never felt so alone…

Of course, at that moment, I told myself… “each and everyone have their own reasons, their own fears, their own needs… I am not there to judge their life’s choice, especially when the choice involving things that are bigger themselves”

I was very sad… devastated. But I respected them and their choice.
I kept telling them, that this is my own fight. There’s no need for any of them to get involved.
Yet, deep inside, I questioned their friendship… how selfish of me!!!

But as time goes… the more I felt blessed, the more I found friendship.
Those who are my true friends stand with me, in spirit and emotional support.
And… those who I never thought ever going to support me… came to my side and hold my hand.

I am never felt truly blessed until this… it is true, real friendship is only tested at the worst storm…

For those who walked beside me, I will never be able to thank you enough.
And for those who held my hand and kept me on my feet, I am forever in debt… a life time will never be enough to repay you.

And the most amazing thing happened to me… I have no resentment and hate. Everything happens for a reason… I forgive you. I hope you find forgiveness in your heart to forgive yourselves.

Love is in the God’s teaching. I now understand… I feel free, I freed myself. I hope one day you freed yourselves and found peace in your heart.

Bitterness of life

Last nite, I was chatting with a friend… we talked about what made some people hate to see others happy.
I told this friend, I remember the time (not so long ago – you can sense it in my writtings), when I look down on happy people. I thought, they must’ve been shallow, there are so many things in life that would make one unhappy, if only they realised it.
On the other side, there are so many things in life that can make us happy… if only we choose to see it.
I told this friend of mine, I was unhappy because I choose not to be happy, it justify myself to be bitter and sad.
But as I make friend with a wonderful person, who was my boss, I saw that she is happy with her life.
She didn’t make work as her distraction of real life, it is part of her life and she has other parts as well.
She choose to be happy and content.
So I learn to be happy and content, when I realised what I have now, I realised that I don’t have any reason to be unhappy.
Sometimes, things in life didn’t go as we planned, but that’s fine… it is part of life, and life has something else in store for us.
So what, if my life course doesn’t go as others? Does this mean that I’m happier than them? Or they are happier than me?
Each has made their own decision a long time ago, hence they need to acknowledge the result of their decision. Don’t pity yourself, because what you are today, are your own responsibility. Others can’t drive you, you drive your own path.
If you can’t be happy for others, then be happy for yourself.
If you don’t want to be the way you are, then change yourself.
Only you have the control, only you can decide.

Don’t blame others for you own unhappiness, they’ve got nothing to do with it!

There’s a bit of craziness in everyone of us

Talking to a friend of mine who was diagnosed with ‘bipolar disorder’… I remember when I was in my manic-depressive state… It was a 10 months depression!!! I remember just wanting to wear black (not gothic I tell you) and cry my heart out…

So I almost don’t remember what pulled me out, until I talked to this friend of mine…

As this friend, is a non believer… and the doctor was keep urging on religion and god… and my friend got irritated, but can’t do anything about it since the medication and therapy are still on going.

I remember, this is why I said to many “I’ve found my answers in Islam”

And if you ask me what answer… I don’t even remember the questions!!! LOL… it’s not that kind of answer, yeah?!

But I remember how religion and god help me back on my feet and everything just… like nothing happened!

So I was talking about this to my other friend… in scientific logic, I’m just shifting my ‘disorder’ into some other ‘disorder’ (or making it worst?!?)

From cyclothymic into schizophrenia (hallucination)…

I do believe that everyone of us need to be a little bit of ‘crazy’, since human is a material and imaginary being… we have our ‘realistic world’ and we have our ‘imaginary world’ (our mind?!?!). S to have weight in both sides will make us a ‘healthy’ human being I think… you can’t be all realistic, it is so inhuman… and you can’t be all mental, it’s just plain crazy!!

 

Beauty

…is God’s gift to human.
It is something to marvel at, but never owned
It is not something that we can keep
It is not a substantial matter

Love is beauty
Life is beauty
Friendship is beauty
Feeling is beauty

The more beautiful it is, the more it is unreachable
I believe God made it that way, therefore we can appreciate what God has given us

I will not be bitter for the things I cannot own
I will not shed a tear for the beautiful things that flown out of my hands
I will not despair for the things I cannot have

I rejoice the beauty I’ve had experienced
I cheer for every beauty that brushes my skin
I’ll remember beauty as a part of me

Love, life, work, friends, foes, hardship… and everything that shaped me
Those are the beauty of mine…
I never lose them, nor owned them..

It hits me…

Life is about managing expectations, yours and other people

Bitter old spinster

Last night, I hangout with an American friend.

We talked about being a leader – or some sort.

We ended up talking about single female as a boss! Sounds like my kind of debate eh?

He argues that there is an effect of being single and resulting as a bad boss.
Of course, my ‘hey’ was quite loud. But then he gives an excellent argument… he said that, when one is married, one will be forced to re-evaluate and re-assess themselves as they face their spouse and children, daily!
While when one is not married, one has no mirror to see themselves… and I thought of ‘personal fable’.
Being able to see their own reflection, they’ve become a more merciful person. They are able to tolerate and (I’m thinking) set their benchmark lower – according to one’s capability.

He is right. I fear my personal fable each and everyday, I fear that I might fall into a belief that I created about myself and made me less humble, thinking that I can stood against the world all by myself.

Then I tried to remember how I was a few years ago… I could bite someone’s head off if they made a mistake that I feel shouldn’t be there at the first place.

Then I told him that, I am more merciful these days, not as vicious as I was… he agrees.

What did I do right then? I don’t have a spouse, I don’t have a kid… but I re-think and re-evaluate my behaviour and attitude daily. I try to put myself in other people’s shoes.. which end up saying sorry all the time (I know that’s not right also, but I fear my words and action might’ve hurt them)
Is that what makes me more merciful? Or this blog made me more merciful?
If you read through the years I write, I changed! My words are not as harsh and strong as it used to be… (though deep inside of me, I want that old gal back)

However, I walk down the road I’m walking now the hard way. And somehow, I don’t want anyone walking the same path as I am. It almost ruined me… it ruined my self-esteem and confidence.
I know I cannot safe the entire world, if there is one person to be safe, then it’ll be myself.
Am I doing redemption by helping others? Maybe I am… is that so wrong?

But that’s not all! I must admit, working for my former boss for 3 years, observing her behaviour and how she treated other people… I learn a lot. She is the kindest and most deligthful boss that I’ve worked for.
If I ever be a boss, I know that I want to be just like her 🙂

At least now I know… that I’ll never be a bitter old spinster…
I have too much of self conscious and awareness… it’s driving me nuts!

Thoughts of the day

There are things in a day that I want to post and I think Facebook and Twitter are not the media since each post will be drown with time… So I thought that I should write a post on this… or a page? I can’t decide now…

21 Feb 2011

“Behind every great thinkers… there’s a lot of MSG consumption!!”

“I saw a girl in my gym’s sauna this morning, she was wearing a complete exercise outfit – along with shoes!! I hope she didn’t think that spending time in sauna is part of ‘exercise’ or even ‘warming-up’… since I saw her do stretching just before she walked out”

“When the motorcycles in Jakarta are following rules, then it’s time for us to respect the president”

22 Feb 2011

“If there is anything more horrible than mums behind the car wheels on the street, then it will be mums on motorcycle!”

“Orang sering bilang… ‘gw mau dpt kerja yang posisinya lebih enak’ – of course yg mereka anggap ‘posisi enak’ itu, posisi yang lebih tinggi… Ada yang lupa bilang sm mereka, semakin tinggi posisi, semakin engga enak posisinya… makin byk tanggung jawab, makin byk kerjaan, makin dikit waktu buat pribadi, etc… padahal ‘posisi enak’ itu mungkin posisi dimana mereka berada skrg”

23 Feb. 2011

“So many hatred messages from people who so-called ‘religious’…
I never remember being taught of violence and hatred…
And now being a peace loving islam believer, I am called ‘non believer’… oh my..”

“When a college student says that he/she wants to be an entrepreneur after graduated, most of the time, they actually don’t have any clue what they want to do in life”

27 Feb 2011
“I just love doing hand-washing and cooking… awfully strange, but I find relaxed when doing those!”

28 Feb 2011
“To understand why the traffic is extremely bad on rainy weather, is beyond me! Less motorcycle, and people driving more careful… but the traffic is never good”

3 April 2011
I don’t know why… but doing the laundry makes me feel at ease. Don’t you dare telling me to do your laundry!