Bitchiness is not a Crime

Just another woman who try to look wise

Manic depressive

Did I ever mentioned that I was manic depressive (or still?)

My childhood was not a happy one. I don’t remember most of it, but I do remember that it wasn’t as happy as everyone that I talked to.

We came from a well provided family, my father was a doctor and my mom was working until I was 5, maybe (couldn’t quite remember)

We got good catholic education – we’re moslems, but we all believed that catholic schools give the best foundation for children.

I remember how hard our mom tried to teach me math – for her, math was the benchmark for ‘smart’ kids. Our IQs were above normal (in fact, I had the lowest IQ of 121). My sisters had little problem with math, me… whoa… it’s hell!
(Actually, I recently found out that my mom was worried sick thinking that I might be retarded – in spite of my high reading skill – I could finish a fantastic 5 book within 3 hours when I was 7)

I remember being the black sheep of the family… oh wait, I still am!

So, eventually… when I reached 14, I had manic depressive (at that time, I didn’t know – I’ve only known when I was 22 and had a bad depressive episode that last for 10 months)
When I found out what happened to me, I tried to go to a shrink.. hate the anti depressant meds and stop seeing the shrink after 3 meetings.

I end up giving a therapy for myself… I write. Yes people! This blog is part of my continuous therapy.
It worked, until I hit multiple major stresses…
And I was suicidal when I was 14, my mind filled with ending my life. I often imagine inflicting pain to myself… bleed myself to let out the pain… but I never got there. I found relieve in alcohol.
I was 14 and I needed alcohol to put myself to sleep.
I never became an addict for anything but coffee and nicotine.

Back to that multiple stresses… just recently… I found a cooking knife blade was very tempting… very, very tempting…
I know I need to stop myself. I know I need to start writing again.
So this is my blade, I bleed myself with my words and I couldn’t careless of what people think of me.

when you’ve been in my shoes, and feel that bitterness slowly swallowing you, and a huge void sucks all of your fighting spirits, and able to resist the delicious temptation of everything bad… you know that I’ve done a fantastic job perserving myself, although in my head living has no difference with death…

Yes, I am bitter. But I survived.

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July 31, 2013 - Posted by | Uncategorized

8 Comments »

  1. I am sorry that I could not help but smiling to myself in reading this topic. As early as your age, 14 years old, my junior high school teacher requested my mom to bring me to the shrink for the reason of being an apathetic individual who totally lived in his/her own world. In that condition, of course I could not interact well with people and would only react with a 99.99% logical response without any emotional, enthusiasm and or passion at all. I only had 1 session at that time by winning the argument that my condition has not limited me in the school and I always pass my exams and always get through to the next level even though I was always the youngest (1-year ahead of my proper level) person in the class.

    Anyway, fast forward to my adult life, I have been hit with so many complex problems at the same time in several years ago. This time, my father was the one (my mom just passed away in that year) who strongly suggested me to visit my family acquaintance whom is a very seasoned shrink. I was beaten very bad at that time. I must face so many problems that my logic could not solve. It is very much just like Sheldon Cooper in the problems loop with no exit flow. 🙂

    My father and my shrink explained to me in a very simple picture about a condition of a person being hit by a series life problem / stress. If this A person has a buffer of 6 but never gets hits for more than 3 at the same time, this A person would never has experienced any mental breakdown. But if this B person who has a greater cushion of 15, but life hits him/her for 20 at the same time frequently, he/she would definitely and eventually get a mental breakdown at some point of time.

    So there is no one (even a champion with the greatest mental buffer) could survive a tsunami wave of multiple complex problems that hit at the same time. Don’t be discouraged by manic-depressive but surely you have to be smarter and smarter to overcome your problem since you are a human with brain (on the above average / superior – you said?). 🙂

    The way I see how to manage life problems that always come like waves to my daily life would be as follows:

    (1)Know your buffer / cushion to absorb problems. People could not avoid all problems / stress that come to them every day of their life. Thus, it is very important for you to justify and to only select the most critical problem to solve and put the rest in the basket to deal with it later. Do you worry that your unsolved problem will hit you worse later? Go see no 5 since you are only a human with 2 hands, 2 legs, 1 brain and 24 hours a day.

    (2)Learn to have an on – off switch. For some people, the “kill off” switch are alcohol and or anti depressants medicine. But I tell you what, shrink and wise man (it is very rare to see a shrink and a wise man on the same sentence :-)) told me that a normal people should be able to turn off things whenever they reach home or at dinner time. Everybody will start to get hits on the daylight but everything must be off when they sit for their dinner. Dinner time is a starting happy hour to let you cool down yourself so you could enable yourself for a sleep and good rest to prepare your mind and body for the next day problems. Come on, it only takes a normal people (not extra ordinary ones) to have “kill-off” switch. I bet you could have one.

    (3)Enough sleep, because deep sleep is kind of analogy like this, people need to eat as an input and to “poop” as output. So day life experience is just like a food / input for a thought / brain (to process) thus people need to “poop” / output which manifests in a deep sleep, or in a dream – if you believe in this theory. If people could not release the output as fast as to their takes of the input, they would have no other alternatives than get a exit in the form of mental breakdown. So, yes, enough sleep and rest is very important for health.

    (4)Alternative valves to relieve pressures, such as in your case in form of writing in your blog. This is way better alternatives than alcohol or anti depressants medicine. Also, I think, yoga maybe a good alternative with a much lesser negative side-effects? Or walking / running – jogging? Learn new things. Listen to music is very effective to change my mood. Anything, but do not snacking. 🙂

    (5)Trust fate or God if you are a believer. We could not control everything in the universe. At some point, we are only a human, so why worry? Why depressed? Why such a bad mood? No one would give us happiness but ourselves.

    (6)Be apathetic just like me to ignore the bad down turn of emotional and feelings. 🙂

    The difference between me and you, I guess, it was my logic that drives me nuts while (it seems to me) it is your mood that pushes you over the edge. Again, do not let your mind playing tricks on you.

    I hope you to feel better by now and stay away of negative thought and mood so you could always survive for another day without any hassle. I do know that you are survive but please, think it over, make yourself happy. Love yourself. Good luck.

    http://orhagens.forme.se/2013/juni/then-why-worry.html

    Comment by skeptical.loop | August 18, 2013 | Reply

  2. Hey you! I think you are borderline autistic. Being ‘mentally not mainstream’ is absolutely normal – a weird phrase!!
    So basically, EVERYONE have their own mental defects, some are more and some are less. But I can tell you this, there is no NORMAL person.

    Your ‘normality’ is judged by the norm of the place you are at.

    FYI, you like ‘Big Bang Theory’?? I couldn’t find anything funny about it – I guess I am just too serious when it comes to science and facts of life.

    My shrink said that I am more of a logic type of person… though I feel emotional at most of the time. But with these meds, I can achieve my full potentials… Apparently, I can’t pretend that I don’t have a problem anymore.
    As a psychology graduates, I know, the first step toward healing, is to accept and then learn to live with it and if possible to use it as leverage. I am at the stage of trying to live with it.

    Like I said, I’ve always been an emotional person. My family knew it (and I think fear me of it), but a few days ago, I reach to another milestone of my healing progress. Someone bumped to my car, my sister and mum was with me. My mum anticipate my tantrum, my sister already blowing whistles… but I was calm and not upset. After talking to the guy who bumped me and make appointements for fixing my car, I got into the car and I was so proud and amazed of myself…

    You see, I didn’t change. I just become ‘control-able’

    Comment by Miss Cynic | August 20, 2013 | Reply

  3. Ufff, I do not want to portray myself in that “autistic” category. ☺ Yep, normal is only the norm that majority perceive and embrace.

    I try to understand and to identify “funny” and moral story of everything, ranging from other people’s life to movie. So it takes me a couple of episodes to understand “the Big Bang Theory” and many other “life flicks”.

    Denial is the worst key aspect of life. So yes, acceptance of the problem would be a good start. But still long way to go, i.e. analyse the problem, formulate alternative solutions, select the best solution, implement and execute the solution, review the progress / result, re-do the cycle by identifying the on-going problem. Uffff … so exhausting.

    I have been through many unexpected life experiences that hit me in the head that life could throw anything to anybody. Thus, I do not dare to say that I am wiser now, but consider myself more into skeptical person. So yes, I agree with you since I (myself) could not differentiate between live and dead. And all of us will be dead some day anyway anyhow. The problem is what to do with all the remaining time that anybody has, until death picks him (or her) up.

    Congratulation then, for your calmness as “the new black”.

    Controllable? Just like Bruce Banner could control Hulk or finally Mr Hyde takes control over Dr Jekyll? ☺ Just kidding.

    Comment by skeptical.loop | August 23, 2013 | Reply

    • I like that.. like controlling Dr. Jekyll…. It does feel like that most of the time. The monster inside of me often screams so loud that I cannot even hear myself thinking. But as any bipolar people, it is our daily struggle.

      There’s nothing wrong being autistic, or you can say that you are indigo. It’s just the condition of any of us could have. Don’t let anyone tell you that it is a mental disease.
      To be honest, I often shut people out just because I found them quite annoying. I hate the necessity to communicate with shallow people (though I wish I am shallow). So I believe all of us got some autistic ability, while others just born with it 🙂

      Don’t lie to me… you like that process of analysing and evalution. It what makes us feel alive and drives our adrenaline. I know you… we are somewhat similar. It does feel tiring sometimes, especially when we try to analyse several things at the same time. But the tornado of thoughts and adrenaline were just… WOW!
      Actually, what I mean by ’embrace’, was to accept it with open hand and open heart without thinking. Complete acceptance. Accept who we are, forgive ourselves and then let go.
      It took a lot of ourselves to be able to get to the ‘let go’ part. Because often we don’t forgive ourselves for being who we are, either because society don’t accept it, or it doesn’t fit our image of the ‘perfect self’.

      So what do we do with our remining time on earth? Love and be happy!

      Comment by Miss Cynic | August 28, 2013 | Reply

  4. Whoaaa, you scare me to death. I just want to be a normal person. I feel sooo tiring to be me. Can’t say that I like (and far away from love) analyzing and evaluating process, since it happens automatically in my brain. So, like it or not, that is the way of my brain works. I think all the brain would work that way, right? Just like computer processor and “if statement yes or no” process. Or no?

    Yeah, somebody told me long time ago that we all essentially are born alone and will die alone. We do not even know exactly who are the spirits / souls who become our father, mother, brothers and sisters. Let alone husband, wife and friends. We do not know who are these souls before we are born and we do not know whether we will meet them again in the after life. But one thing for sure is that we have to get along with people in this world, therefore “normal” is important since it will link and connect you to other people.

    But again, I have difficulties to define “normal”. I do not know what is the chemistry or formula to define “normal”. Therefore, to be on the safe side, I rely on logic which sometimes does not apply well to people since people behavior not always based on logic. People could accept my response because they could not argue to a logic response, but they look at me as if I am a freak. I think I still lack a lot of social skills. Reminds me back to Sheldon Cooper. Maybe I need to learn on how to communicate with shallow people because they are the majority anyway, thus I will be happier to be one of them since it is the “normal”. So, self-perfect image is far away since I could not determine “normal” for myself.

    Not all but maybe most of people who known my personality ever say that I am broken. I do not really know what does it mean. It seems to me that I run out of desire and passion of all things. Does it make sense if I assume that I become a pure Dr Jekyll since Mr. Hyde have left me alone some years ago. But I feel so much more peaceful now.

    You say “Love and be happy”? I do not even know what do those words mean? Maybe just because I do not feel hate and sad also? Lucky me, I still know what does confuse mean. 🙂

    Love, do you believe in soul mate?
    Happy, how happy could be align with control and planning?

    Comment by skeptical.loop | September 4, 2013 | Reply

    • Normal? There is no such thing.
      Your brain works just fine, you just need to be able to reboot every once awhile.
      I bet, you are one of those people who cannot ‘daydream’ (bengong), let your head to be empty and just stay in a very long one second.

      I too didn’t have the pleasure of daydreaming. I tried meditation, yoga, and so on. I usually just go to sleep whenever I feel my head is just too loud.

      But, it’s all changed now. Since I got myself medicated, daydreaming is just what our brain needs – rebooting.
      I am not saying that you need to be medicated, we’re all choose different path to get our peace of mind. I happened to choose an instant one – like you, I was very very tired and I broke down at some point. I need to be back on my feet as soon as possible, thus Cipralex is my messiah.

      We are two peas in a pod, I also believe being shallow is better – since they looks happier with superficial things. But we are not. So what do we do? Try to connect with shallow people? Try it and you will experience the excrutiating pain of their conversations 😀

      My dearest, I do believe in love… it is hardwired in our brain. Some scientists call it dopamine 😀
      As for soulmate… we’re all in search for that someone who speaks the same language as our soul, just like us now.

      Happiness, again, is a state of mind. One can be so happy when their life is just as they planned to be and others can only be happy when they feel that they have control over life and others.

      Do you feel that you are lucky when you feel nothing?
      Being hallow is the worst feeling I’ve felt. I am mostly logical, like my shrink said. But I do enjoy a dose or two of dopamine 😀

      Comment by Miss Cynic | September 5, 2013 | Reply

  5. Reboot? Exactly what had happened to me some years ago. It should not be that way, if, at that time, I could have an off-switch then a good sleep to flush out all the unsolvable depressing stuff that I absorb all day.

    I consider myself as a Mac, which experiences almost none of kernel panic compared to Windows PC with its notorious BSOD (Blue Screen Of Death) or Blackberry with its sand clock and battery pull :-). What can I say, finally I learn how to limit and sort out depressing problems, before all those inputs break my buffer then bring the whole system down, thus reboot is the only way to go. No more reboot in the future, I hope.

    Uffff, I can not conclude what is the playing area of daydream. Whenever I am awake, I need to tinker with something. It is just the way I pass the time. And ha ha ha … I just do not know how to clear my head just like in the meditation or yoga without letting my mind wandering to any other thing. Actually, I can not be in the passive mode, therefore I even need an interactive class to keep my mind concentrating in the class. That’s why I have difficulties to force my mind to stay in the class whenever I went to school long time ago. And as a result, teachers said that I live in my own world, meaning my mind is somewhere else while my body is there. I read somewhere that Soekarno once said that people could put his body in jail but can not prison his mind.

    Serotonin & Dopamine = The only all things that people enjoy? I don’t know, because I am not that good in chemistry and biology. The only thing that I am addicted to, is the c8h10n4o2.

    Do you have an addiction to those two things to get through a day? It seems to me that you are a dependent of this Cipralex? Somehow, I can manage to stay away of any medication. I am one of those people who try to let sickness to heal itself before I am really cornered to use medication. I always presume that medicine that basically chemical would not be good for our health since, at least, it can be accumulated and will effect (for example) our kidney, not to mention all other side effects. Is it possible for you to outsmart the condition that you are facing, thus you could avoid to be in the situation in a need of a medicine?

    If you are still experiencing an “excruciating pain” when connecting with shallow people, it means you are not blending with them yet. I am thinking about this. Try harder, and maybe I will find the trick how to become one of them, thus no more artificial sucks conversation and everything is just normal and I have eliminated that “lack of social skills”.

    Will continue about soulmate and happiness in “selfish” topic later.

    Comment by skeptical.loop | September 10, 2013 | Reply

    • I do believe that coffee is what the past called ‘ambrosia’, the first thing that I reach in the morning and often the last thing I had before bed – yes, I am immune to the caffeine effect. We should meetup and share the glory of coffee one day 🙂

      As a doctor’s daughter, I do despise medications. They are chemicals that is bad for your body, a long term of usage will do something to your body. But what choice do I have? I tried to fight it for more than 30 years of my life. I tried to ‘heal’ myself and only to fall to the pit deeper each time. In my good days, I fear that I will hurt myself, in my bad days, I tried to find out the best way to end my life without long suffering and a mess. And an average day, I don’t achieve anything good. I have difficulties to concentrate and my grades were all BAD. Teachers who paid attention to me were puzzled of my capacity and my grades.
      Sir, I had enough of those. I am responsible for my own success and achievements. I want to be better, oh wait… I want to be the best. I want to know how far I can reach to my own limits, without my meds, I know I will not go far. I want to be able to contribute to society and humankind. At the end, when I think about this, I am already killing myself. The difference now, I am killing myself and have a chance to achieve something, as opposed to die in vain. Wouldn’t you do the same if you had the chance?

      Like I said, I know how you feel. Unable to shut-down… it was one of my darkest time. I was quite young. 2 straight days without sleep. I cried every night, because I was very tired. And finally, on the 3rd day, I cried myself to sleep. I had no one to share about it, not even my parents. I know they will not understand, or maybe at that time I thought they would not understand. I remember my dad always said that I am a weird kid. I still am, but proud to be 🙂
      I found relieve in alcohol… I was quite lucky that I didn’t go as far as drugs… my brain was too precious to be ruined by drugs. But, there any many bipolars who caught in drugs. They are trying to self-medicate. I refuse to go to that direction.

      I sometimes missed the waves, if not tornadoes, of thoughts that ran through my brain… At first when I started the medication, I feel like empty. My head was very quiet. I used to have the need to read multiple books at the same time, to keep my head occupied and focus on several topics at the same time. But often I was unable to finish the least interesting books – I kept moved on to more interesting books.
      In good days, these thoughts kept me feeling alive. But, unfortunately, there is not off switch. Once the train of thoughts come running in my brain, I can say good-bye to sleep.

      Are you seriously want to be shallow? I know it’s kinda lonely to be ‘not-shallow’, but a good friend once told me, “then you have to find friends who are more similar to you”. Why bother living the shallow life when you can have connection with less shallow?
      Less shallow people don’t have superficial demands, they don’t bother what kind of clothing you wear, or what kind of background you had. They don’t even demand your time when you don’t show up as often as possible in their gatherings. I love brainy, geeks and nerds. Once they consider you as a friend, they will be your friends and rejoice everytime we had the chance to pick up the relationship. I believe it’s because they operate in higher level of relationship. It is the connection of the minority LOL…
      Seriously, why bother trying to be shallow?

      For me, it is painful because in my line of work, I have the obligations to talk to shallow people like all the time. But I always have a ‘guide’ to help me taking to them. And when I meet with my shallow friends, I usually had nothing to talk about since no body gave me any guide LOL.
      You want to try to be shallow? try browsing through people’s status in facebook, BBM, pinterest or path… master the topics and you’ll be just fine when talking to them.

      Comment by Miss Cynic | September 10, 2013 | Reply


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