Bitchiness is not a Crime

Just another woman who try to look wise

Are you okay?

At times, I found me asking myself, “are you okay?”

On my not so good days, I can ask that question to myself several times a day.

Often, when I’m lying on bed, starring at the ceiling… Then in my head, asking me that question.

The funny part is that I can’t answer that, I can think a million answers to that… But it always make me startled. Because I don’t know. I really don’t know whether I am okay or not okay…

Deep inside, I think there’s a scream saying I am not okay… I am definitely not okay.

But, then the next question, “why? What’s wrong?”

I don’t know what is wrong with me.

I wish I know… So I can fix it…

Maybe I help others fixing their issues because I can’t fix mine and maybe hoping if I can fix them, my problems can be solved.

A friend of mine recommended a TV series called Mr. Robot. At first he said it is about a genius who is depressed and then he said, “it is techy stuff, the kind that you might like”. I am intrigued.

So over the weekend I watched several episodes… Well, I think my friend saw me in Elliot (the main character), not that I’m a genius, but it was because Elliot is just like me… Lonely, depressed, and very much wanted to be normal.

We saw that ‘normal’ people are a lot happier and life is much, much simpler.
And… The twist, is that almost like me… Elliot created another ‘him’ in his head.

I have another me in my head, she is the only person who understands me. And when I was in routine medication, she faded… I got her back recently, and I don’t know if I am happy or upset about it.

My friend said, it is another symptom of autism… He forgets, I am bipolar. It is a symptom of my ‘unwell-ness’ worsen, delusion, voices and so on. But it is very tough to get by without talking to my other me, tough when every time I pour out my feelings someone said, I’m a drama queen or bitching too much about everything.

My other me, she will listen and try to understand from different point of view and very logical. I’m tired to justify my point of view or my thoughts to other people…

Though, let me get this clear… I don’t hear voices in my head. It is just thoughts, jumbled and messy, but only thoughts. I can’t promise that it won’t turn into voices… But at least, there is someone who asked me if I feel okay or not when I am not okay… When everyone else looked away and pretend all is well with me, or I’m just being a drama queen.
At least there is someone who noticed that it is not my good day, and give a damn, even when that person is only myself…

Now, let me put that crown on my head and the ribbon of the queen of drama.

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April 11, 2016 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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