Regretting and acceptance

Maybe I am not as bitter as I used to be… but I am still stupid.

I often let my fears rule me, dictate what I should feel and lead me to paths I should not go.

You know the time when you make decisions that you know will ruin a part of you and your life? Yeah, I keep making that decisions!

I know I found someone perfect for me, but my fear encourage me to push that person go… and eventually, my fear won.
I think in psychology theory is called ‘self fulfilling prophecy’…

But that urge to do it is so strong, especially when people around you were against it.
…maybe I should stop blaming others for my decisions… after all, it was me who made them.

I know I am afraid of commitments… but I don’t know the reason! Unfortunately, by the time I know the source of my fear, it will all be too late.

Hey, at least this time it’s different… at least I don’t use 3 person as an excuse 🙂

Was all just theories?

I know that all these posts, it seems to be just theories – since I am not married and have no kids.
Many are disapprove and disagree with me (it made my heart warm to know there plenty enuff believers out there)

However, let me tell you a story…

Some times ago, in the beginning of this year, I had a very young colleague (barely 24) planning for her wedding.
I asked her whether she is sure that she wants to get married this young? Life has just begin for her.
But she said, they had been together for a long time… and I feel that she was excited (or just wants something more out of her relationship?)
I said, okay… but please don’t have kids yet. You enjoy your togetherness and adjust to the new life…
Now she is 9 months pregnant, and she is telling other people.. “you should just listen to what she (me) is saying… i’m not saying I regret this – oh no, I cannot say I regret my child… I’m just saying, listen to what she has to say”

I feel sad for her… I know she imagines the hollywood romance in her marriage (I was that way too… before I become me)
Oh yes, I also wants all the happiness, romance, etc.
But I’ve become realistic.
She is young, she didn’t know what awaits, and expects all pieces will fall into place effortlessly.

I feel bad for her, but she made he choice… she has to live with the consequences… I really hope all the young female out there will think further before deciding on a life changing decisions.

So, though I am unmarried and childless, do you think what I’ve said was all just theories?
Mind you, I’ve talk to married female more than you… it’s occupational hazard!

Human body language

Some when reading this may think of me as vain… what do I care? This is my blog, my vanity…

Often I thought that things happened only in my head… in perception I mean, I am a little impaired, but I think I’m still functioning as normal human being – whatever normal is!

But being accustomed to psychology for more than a decade – damn it! I’m old!
I believe I can do a decent reading on human behaviour, when it doesn’t concern love that is.
I’ve noticed some men reacted almost immediately when I’m around or walk pass by.
Some start singing – culturally we sang poem to woe a girl, some straigthen up – instinctively human try to attract the opposite gender by showing their body figure (to show that they are healthy enough to be a mate)
Others… acted like a jerk, from whistling to trying to call names.

I was wondering… should I be flattered? But those gestures for me was… obnoxious!! I tried to draw less attention… wearing no make up, ugly clothes (not shoes, mind you), I even purposely gain weight (10 kgs – that ruined my skin). But it’s not physical that drives them… well, at least I like to believe that. I believe my body is urging to procreate, hence releasing feromones.
(Darn bio clock – stop what you’re doing)

And of course… I tend to look younger than I actually am… most missed my age by 3-5 years (aawww yeeeaaahhh)

I would say, that’s also the hormones, they keep me looking younger so that my chance to procreate would be higher… don’t you agree? Unmarried/childless mature female tends to look younger?

So what’s the point of me writing this? Nothing… I’m just screaming to the world that I fed up!
Why can’t the men who I like, had the same interest as others?