Bitchiness is not a Crime

Just another woman who try to look wise

As I turn 30…

Today is another milestone of my life, I am turning 30!!

I still remember the days when I feel that being 30 is so damn old… wait! I still feel that way!!!!

Here I am turning 30, without a Dad… without purpose of life, without happiness, without ‘a life’…

You know, deep inside my heart still screams so hard whenever I remember I have no father anymore, whenever I remember his tears after he prays on his last day living, whenever I remember his last stroke of breath, whenever I remember his face turning cold… it still screams, it wont accept reality, it refuses the facts… but I can’t let out the scream. It stuck in my lungs.

I feel like I also died with my father, there is nothing inside me but anger… (I know… I know, it’s the steps of mourning… please leave out the psychology part to me). Right now, I feel cold inside. It’s like this whole body has no soul. An empty shell. Which is an irony, because I can feel a feeling – anger, which of course implies that I do have something inside… whatever is that.

So here I am, 30 years old. Clueless about life.

Hopeless

In pain

Angry

Feels like giving up everything.

Not a good way to start a new decade of my life, or to end a decade.

Things that happened lately makes me realised, that there’s no use to do whatever we do today, since tomorrow we will die eventually… you will leaves everything behind, all the fame and glory, love, money, power, this fragile body, fancy clothes, pretty shoes, make-ups, jewellery, life… it’ll be over soon.

The sadness, the fun, the happiness, the passion, it means nothing at the end. So why do we need to try so hard? Because the little time we had? If it’s so little, why do we even bother to do anything?

Like a pinch of salt to the sea… it means nothing!

Honestly, being average is good enough for me. I just don’t want to put more effort, I just don’t want to torture myself further… it means nothing at the end. (stop saying I should be a good sport, or see life in more positive way, or whatever… I had enough of those!)

Yes – I am furious! Angry to myself, angry to my family, angry to my father, angry to the world… we’re mortals, we deserve to be angry! (vice versa, we’d be extremely angry if we’re immortal)

I prayed to God to take some of my life and give it to my father, because I know I will be half empty when my father gone… so I have no use of it anyway. But I know, all things must end.

My father has a great life, and it’s better to stop gambling when you’re winning… I guessed that is what he does. Stops while everything is great.

I don’t know what to pray to God anymore… good health? It’ll be that IF God wants it, richness? No use, life? Love? Nothing! I really don’t want anything in life.

If only I could see my father, if only I could talk to him, if only he didn’t die… I might still have some hope of life.

I know me being this way is a big disappointment to him, but I can’t help it… life has it course, we have no power over it. So why bother trying setting the course, just live your days… it’ll end eventually.

Happy birthday Papa…

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October 17, 2009 - Posted by | B*tching, Family, In between, Life in General

8 Comments »

  1. Everybody knows that loosing is hurting…, so, you’d better cry out loud and let your tears wipe your pains away ….,
    I cried when my father gone 12 years ago and I cried more when my mom passed away last year….
    Now, I try hard to follow them and fill this life with useful things that would make anyone miss me and be proud of me when my time is also come ….

    MGBU…

    Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | October 21, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh it is hard, I can’t imagine how I would feel if my mom also left… I weep with you…

      But I don’t know whether I want anyone to miss me when it is my time, it’s hard to let go my dad… If I make people feel and suffer the same, what would that make me?

      Comment by hapitri | October 22, 2009 | Reply

  2. O dear, I forget to tell you that you are still very young with a promising future…

    I miss my parents because they mean alot to me.
    They’ve taught me love, life, belief and how to believe…
    with all of that, I am confidence that the future and happines … would always be reachable…
    Tho’ I do miss them, as a matter of fact I never get suffer because of their absence… They’ve made me strong and taft..
    Regards

    Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | October 22, 2009 | Reply

    • 🙂
      I am not that young, although I want to believe that I am still 22 hahaha…
      For a woman to be 30, is uumm… not young, but not old?
      Promising future?
      I don’t know about that…. I just feel that I only live for today, have no idea of the future 😦

      Comment by hapitri | October 23, 2009 | Reply

  3. hapitri…maaf…aku baru tahu hal ini. turut berduka cita ya. meskipun aku masih punya papa tapi aku tahu perasaanmu krn aku pernah kehilangan seorang nenek yg sangat kusayangi. sampai sekarang pun aku masih suka teringat nenekku.

    aku berharap kamu akan segera pulih. Hidup harus terus berlanjut bukan?

    Comment by fanny | November 5, 2009 | Reply

    • iya, makasih ya Fanny 🙂

      Comment by hapitri | November 7, 2009 | Reply

  4. @Hai Cah Ayune
    Aku tuh… kalau kesini, sedih… bawaannya hehehe
    Sudahlah @Cah Ayu, sampean masih muda… so, lanjutken anak keturunan beliau (alm), semoga Allah menempatkan disisiNya, Amin))

    Dulu rasanya sayah sudah mengingatken soal ini secara halus,…

    Jadi kapan terima undangan neehhh !! :mrgreen:
    (senyum dong ahh)

    Salam anget, Haniifa.

    Comment by حَنِيفًا | November 25, 2009 | Reply

    • jiakakakaka….

      gini lho mas… mas’e sampun moco blog dalem nggih?
      mboten wonten tiyang sing gelem dalem pun… lah wong dalem menipun jarene ‘smart-ass’ hihihihihi…

      Comment by hapitri | December 12, 2009 | Reply


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