Bitchiness is not a Crime

Just another woman who try to look wise

Heart Broken

A few days ago, one of my best friends snapped at me. I guess the years of our friendship had weary him… he said, “why do you have to debate everything?!”. At instant, I shut down… I am horribly shocked and feel a sharp sting in my heart.
Of course as always, being the usual drama queen, in my mind I come to another fear (you see, these fears, had not stop and growing numbers by the day), I am afraid that one day when I’m already married, this man, who is my husband would snap just like my friend. I know it’s tiring to be around me… I keep asking, I want to reason, keep debating, etc. and he’ll grow tired of me… of course, the result now… I can’t see my friend for sometimes, not that I’m angry… but seeing him, remind me of my fear…
I told my other friend about this, and she said… in marriage, you will make sacrifices.
Now I feel heart broken… without love to start from, but my heart is already in pieces…
After that… there’s this guy, I’ve known him for sometimes… I don’t date him or anything, but the last time we chat, we’re getting along very well… and made some promise that we’ll go out or hang out or something like that. Just today, when a notification from the messenger that he’s online, and without thinking, I put on invisible mode on.
I know why… I am scared as hell… I just want to push them aside, just to avoid heart broken… I don’t want to give up my rationale, I don’t want to give up my curiosity, I don’t want to give up my brain.
You see, I have never remembered that I can make my mind blank. When I tried to clear my head, to put a blank mind (they said its comforting and so on and so on), I stop breathing. Really, literally, I stop inhaling and exhaling… if someone ask me to focus on my breath, I will see a picture of lungs, veins, the way the lungs expanding and shrinking…. I will think of how the lungs distributes the oxygen and then I start wondering how the lungs put that oxygen in blood while I know that you can kill someone by injecting air to the veins…. I can continue… up until I have no more answer…. And then remember that I was supposed to make my mind empty. I have no capability of it. And when the questions grew and I start my personal debate, I need to let it out or find the answer by talking to people…. Of course, I can make a mental debate with myself, but the knowledge will not expands. I only know that much, how can a personal debate achieve anything without adding more knowledge?
Not only I managed to annoyed people with my arguments, I also managed to screw my head… at this moment, I am not quite proud of this ability… the only thing that can calm my mind is only fictions. I beginning to understand why I love fiction so much, especially fantasy books/stories. It is absurd, and not real. My mind will not process it as information to analyse or digest, it let me imagine and relaxed it.
I’m ranting again… wow…. I totally have the quality to attract eligible man.
I do understand that people want to come home and let go… unwind… stop thinking and just be dumb after a whole day at work thinking and trying to be bright. They don’t want to come home to a woman ranting about supernova or anatomy or whatever… they just want nice meal, neat-clean house and a warm bed… if possible a hot lady on top of it. They want to come home to simplicity… I understand that perfectly. But must I do lobotomy to be with someone?
Dear old friend, if you read this, please understand that I am not angry at you, rather I am horrified by the possible future and I am angry of myself.

Advertisements

June 15, 2009 - Posted by | B*tching, Friendship, In between, Life in General, Relationship, Women

47 Comments »

  1. @mba-e
    Don’t be afraid to marry a man. You just have to wait
    Just trust in a good time, no matter how long it takes

    Comment by haniifa | June 18, 2009 | Reply

    • wew…
      not a must lah… to marry or not to marry… that is not a question, just a course of life…:D

      Comment by hapitri | June 20, 2009 | Reply

      • Duhh…khok jadi gregetan sehhh. 😛
        Pangeran kodok kayak bagaimana rupanya,until dikau sekeras gituh ?!

        Comment by haniifa | June 20, 2009

      • hihihihi… ya kaya kodok!
        😉

        Comment by hapitri | June 22, 2009

      • Well… lupaken kodok, sak-iki try to find someone

        Comment by haniifa | June 22, 2009

      • hihihihi…
        bagaimana, saat ini mencoba untuk bahagia dan bersyukur atas hidup yang ada…

        dan 4 pasang sepatu yang baru di beli 😀

        Comment by hapitri | June 24, 2009

      • Aku baru beli bakiak, kalau bigitu kita jalan-jalan bareng yuk…
        Saya ke toilet, sampean ke mall… yang penting jalannya mesti bareng hehehe 😀

        Comment by haniifa | June 24, 2009

      • ngapain ke mall??
        emg beli sepatu hanya buat pamer jalan2 ke mall??

        Comment by hapitri | June 25, 2009

      • lha ngapain beli sepatu 4 pasang, kalau nggak dipake mejeng ?! ;(

        Comment by haniifa | June 25, 2009

      • personal satisfaction…
        just like men with their toys…

        Comment by hapitri | June 26, 2009

      • hihihi… ngarang ae 😀

        Comment by haniifa | June 26, 2009

      • eh beneran…
        coba, pria kl udah maenan sm mobil/motornya, udah gila2an tuh…
        atau apalah yg jd hobinya…

        Comment by hapitri | June 29, 2009

      • Tapi jangan-jangan samaken aku dengan mereka
        (Kata @mas A. Rafiq, lagu favorit saya.hehehe)
        Duhh…@mba-e sori, kemarin saya konsen disini… coba bantuin dunk, siapa tahu ada pemecahannya.
        Haniifa dipermalukan kalangan cendekiawan….

        @mba-e sak-iki jarang berkunjung ke gubug reotku why…?! 😦

        Comment by haniifa | June 29, 2009

      • hehehe.. nyuwun sewu lho mas…
        lah wong lagi sibuk sm real life… ini aja niat update blog udah lama ada…. tapi kenyataannya msh blm sempet 😦
        ini aku menuju istanamu mas…

        Comment by hapitri | June 30, 2009

      • monggo pinara…. 😀

        Comment by haniifa | June 30, 2009

  2. One usually debates when :

    1. ego centric/jealousy
    2. to show that he/she knows better than other /arrogant
    3. intolerance.

    while some usually do not to debate because of :

    1. respectful thinking
    2. tolerance/understanding
    3. love

    don’t be afraid of making questions; questions mostly reflects positive things (curiosity, care, attentive etc).

    please observe that love could easily turns anyone into a new and completely different person positively either negative…..

    regards

    Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 14, 2009 | Reply

    • I debate because I want to challenge my brain 😀
      arrogant if you want to use the word, for me… it’s just another way to learn… ;P

      Comment by hapitri | July 15, 2009 | Reply

      • anyhow, there are so many ways to learn dear…

        Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 15, 2009

      • many ways and this is the way I choose… it is faster and interactive…
        it broaden the mind and of course, if I’m lucky… I might find my partner in crime 😉

        Comment by hapitri | July 15, 2009

      • I see, that’s ok as long as you enjoy it …..
        I am optimistic you will meet your prince, moreover it could be soon…! just be prepared ok?

        rgds

        Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 17, 2009

      • hehehe….
        Positivity can be good for life eh?!

        Comment by hapitri | July 17, 2009

      • @mba-e the power of positive thinking is a simple, kudu percaya sama laki-laki… hehehe

        Comment by haniifa | July 17, 2009

      • emang ada apa hrs percaya sm laki2?
        itu syirik tau… percaya sama Tuhan yang bener 😛

        Comment by hapitri | July 17, 2009

      • syirik itu mendua Allah atau menyekutukan Allah, kalau percaya sama kejujuran laki-laki itu mah tandanya sayang sama sendiri dunk… 😛
        (saya nggak jujur lho… hehehe)

        Comment by haniifa | July 17, 2009

      • lah… tadi ngomongnya percaya sm laki2 ajah…
        erm… emang ada pria jujur didunia ini??

        hihihi… emang ada manusia jujur 100% didunia ini?
        kl adapun di tembak mati… liat ajah President Lincoln 😛

        Comment by hapitri | July 17, 2009

      • Pria jujur?….. hm..m, .. pria yang BAIK banyak !!
        Kalo boleh nyaranin, mending pilih pria baik aja….!!

        Pria yang baik akan tetap sayang isteri meski kecantikan ybs tlah luntur. Umumnya pria baik berkata “istriku adalah wanita tercantik dan terbaik dlm hidupku…”
        Ketika masakan isterinya keasinan, alih-alih mencela pria yg baik umumnya berkata “…masakanmu enak, apalagi jika garamnya dikurangi”…..

        Siapkah kita mendengar semua yang dikatakan partner jujur dihadapkan pada berbagai kekurangan dan kelemahan kita?

        Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 21, 2009

      • wah itu harusnya siap-ga-siap…
        namanya juga berkomitmen 😦
        If she tells you that your perfume stinks, will you love her any less?
        (probably you’d be pissed since you spent so much on that perfume)

        Ini kok dari masalah ‘percaya-tidak-percaya’ larinya ke ‘jujur-ga-jujur’ yah?
        agak beda bukan masalahnya??
        trust and honesty lhoo…
        sometimes you don’t need honesty to trust someone 😉

        Comment by hapitri | July 21, 2009

      • put your trust in Allah if you are believers indeed

        Comment by haniifa | July 22, 2009

      • waduh… kok ganti lagi subject pembicaraannya??

        Comment by hapitri | July 22, 2009

      • Ahh… pokoke mah, sampai @mba-e bilip me 😛

        Comment by haniifa | July 22, 2009

  3. Lha ngono, sing rukun 🙂 😉 Hi hi hi
    Ada saat memberi dan menerima. Ngapain juga yang kamu lihat derita melulu. Ada juga pasti cowok yang suka cewek ngeyelan kayak kamu. Salah satu contohnya pasti model Pak guruku Raden Mas Haniifa PG. Tul nggak Pak Guru ? ;

    Comment by lovepassword | July 17, 2009 | Reply

    • @Mba Hapitri
      Very amat sangat clear… aku nggak bilang “ngenyelan” lho :mrgreen:

      Comment by haniifa | July 17, 2009 | Reply

      • engga bilang ngeyelan ning mriki?
        😉

        gapapa… kan itu reaksi standard pria kl udah ga bs mematahkan argumentasi wanita 😀
        “Kamu niy keras kepala banget..”
        “Ah terserah kamu deh…”
        “Huh… ngeyel bener ini perempuan!”
        dan seterusnya….

        😀

        Comment by hapitri | July 17, 2009

    • Lhoo… kok protes blg aku ngeyel?
      emang ga liat judul blog ini?
      Bitchiness is not a crime 😉
      Cerita indah ga pantes dalam blog ini hehehe…. ga sesuai dg tema utama dong 😉

      Comment by hapitri | July 17, 2009 | Reply

  4. Yah kalo memang masih nggak mau percaya kan ya tinggal dibalik dikit : Percayalah dengan ketidakjujuran laki-laki. Pokoknya percaya saja deh. 😉

    Comment by lovepassword | July 18, 2009 | Reply

    • wah mas Eko pinter bener…:P
      hihihi… pada akhirnya bukan cuma percaya ga percaya sech…
      rumit!! dan saia malas membuat hidup saia lebih rumit 😀

      Comment by hapitri | July 18, 2009 | Reply

  5. Inget nggak lagu ini… :mrgreen:

    Tidak semuaaaa….laki-laki iiii
    Contohnya aku, slalu …de.el.el…

    Comment by haniifa | July 18, 2009 | Reply

    • iya… iya… mungkin in real life mas haniifa tidak flirting dengan gadis2 innocent seperti saya 😉

      Comment by hapitri | July 18, 2009 | Reply

  6. emang ada pria jujur didunia ini??

    Yang salah ya yang ngarepin. Kalo sudah tahu nggak ada yang jujur ya nggak usah diarep-arep. Cari saja yang sama-sama nggak jujur gicu lho 😉 Hi hi hi

    Comment by lovepassword | July 19, 2009 | Reply

    • itu dia masalahnya mas… kebetulan saya nih orang yang (berusaha selalu) jujur 😀
      jadi saya salah nech ngarepin pria? harus ganti haluan dong? 😉

      Comment by hapitri | July 21, 2009 | Reply

      • Lawan kiri adalah kanan
        Lawan jujur berarti… 😛

        Comment by haniifa | July 21, 2009

      • haiizzz…. OL jam kalong yah mas 😉
        emang perlu lawan2an?
        saya kira yg dicari team member 😀

        Comment by hapitri | July 21, 2009

  7. OK… back to the “trust”, adalah sesuatu yg sumbernya ada pada diri kita sendiri, sedangkan “honesty” (yg konon dianggap aspek penentu eksistensi trust), bersumber pada orang lain. Secara teoritis, apa yg ada pd diri kita mestinya menjadi tanggung jawab kita sendiri untuk memenejnya. Jika seseorang tidak mau menumbuhkan “trust” dlm hatinya thdp seseorang, mustahil ia akan percaya pd orang tersebut meskipun ybs senantiasa jujur padanya.
    Seseorang yg enggan percaya kpd sesuatu yg kasat mata, bisa diindera sehingga mudah diverifikasi/dibuktikan kejujuran/kebenarannya, mungkin agak sulit percaya pd hal-hal yg dianggapnya maya, tidak dapat diindera, dicerna akal sehat atau dibuktikan secara ilmiah, termasuk pada Tuhannya.

    Mengatakan/merasa “percaya pada Tuhan” memang mudah, yg tidak mudah adalah mengaplikasikan makna “percaya” tsb dalam kehidupan nyata, dlm berinteraksi dengan sesama manusia maupun alam sekitar kita.

    Saya juga masih perlu belajar dan harus terus belajar utk mengimplementasikan dan mengaplikasikan “deklarasi kepercayaan” dan deklarasi “kesaksian” secara benar, konsisten, komprehensif dan konsekwen.

    Best regards
    Irawan D

    Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 23, 2009 | Reply

    • nice 😉
      tp bukannya kebalik yah?
      trust itu diberikan dari orang? honesty itu yg kita berikan ke orang?
      Trust is not granted (kata oom peter drunken), in order to gain trust, a person must perform a certain act… in my case, I would think highly of people who have integrity, honesty, humility, humbleness, intelligent, etc. etc.
      Begini mas… bukannya saya tidak percaya, tp saya tidak mudah percaya…

      now if you’re talking about god, then I think you’re talking about ‘believe’ – which is very much different than trust 🙂

      Comment by hapitri | July 24, 2009 | Reply

      • Mau dibilang kebalik bisa, mau dianggap ga kebalik juga bisa, bagi saya sih sama aja koq.

        “trust diberikan dari orang” … betul, bukankah ketika si A memberikan sesuatu (termasuk trust) kpd mbak Hapitri pasti karena dia memiliki/menghidupkan “trust” tsb dalam hatinya?. Boleh jadi dia berkenan memberikan trust (kepercayaan)-nya kpd mbak sebagai respons atas honesty, integrity, humility etc etc yg mbak tunjukkan/dedikasikan kepada orang-orang di sekitar mbak, tapi tidak mustahil karena dia orang yg selalu positif thinking thd apapun yg diskenariokan Tuhan bagi kehidupannya……

        Lihatlah tingkah anak yg masih polos…., mereka cenderung percaya pd siapapun yg bersikap baik padanya.
        Mereka juga tak putus asa untuk belajar berdiri tegak dan berjalan meski lebih dari limabelas kali dia terjatuh…
        Kalau saja mereka lebih mengedepankan rasa takut dan terus membayangkan (apalagi mendramatisir) “rasa sakitnya”, mungkin …. ini cuma mungkin lho… tak sedikit manusia yg tidak mampu berjalan… he he he… (ga papa khan kita belajar “berjalan” pd seorang bayi atau anak kecil..??)

        rgds

        Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 24, 2009

      • hehehe…
        mungkin 😉
        but is not as easy as snapping one’s finger, no?

        mendramatisir?
        hahaha… if you’ve gone the road I walked… you wouldn’t call it ‘mendramatisir’ trust me! I’ve told my personal stories to a few people, they understand the ‘why’ eventually 😀
        it’s not quite wise to judge the book by its’ cover, no? I bet you know more lah, you sounds more mature and have more experiences than I do 😀

        Comment by hapitri | July 25, 2009


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: