Bitchiness is not a Crime

Just another woman who try to look wise

Of Fear

As I drive to my office in the morning, my head was like usual… full of replays and rethinking of what happened the day before or the day before that or just so far away back to the long forgotten memories.

Anyway, just when I enter the main road to my office, my memory replays my conversation with D a few days ago. She said that one of her male friend said that all Fun Fearless Single Female (FFSF) are all the same… they all say that it is great to be single and they enjoys it, but actually they all screaming for a companion – in this case, a male would be appropriate (but hey, I don’t see same gender relationship have any flaws).

I remember that I was pulled back by that expression – almost defensive. But then I said to D, “but we are not that, right?! We whine and crib of wanting the perfect mating partner”. And of course D totally agrees… but I briefly brings out the idea that could it be that we actually love being single? Well it was a brief discussion…

In the car, I replay all that. And rethink of what D’s friend have said… and I try to relate that to my own feelings. Do I actually like being single? Deep inside me said that, “YEAH!! This way I can whine and crib all I want and be the most miserable person on earth”, okay then… by being single, I can blame the world and all things in it about my state – how convenient don’t you think?!

Then I try to relate to hypothetical situation if I am un-single myself and got married… to my own surprised! I kinda had a panic attack (short of breath, sweaty, spinning, etc.)… the more I focus on the thought of me getting married, the more I am terrified.

I don’t get it… wasn’t I want to be with the one who loves me? Wasn’t me that wrote about the greatest love? Wasn’t me who breaks into pieces when my cloud castle dissolves into thin air?

What the hell is wrong? Am I totally f*cked up?

Do I actually enjoy the tragedies of my love life?

… am I really a masochist?

I think I started to come to see the real world… in the few years of my work, I encounter so many housewives and young girls that actually accept and feel that their life purpose is only to be a child factory. I come to my senses that the ideal life I’m looking for might not exist at all. I started to lose hope and dream…

It’s not that I underestimate those women, but that is not what I believe I want to do for the rest of my life. ‘self actualization’… seems to be non-existence in the world of a married woman. And it has been my fear for most of the time I have lived, that I can’t find myself and able to fulfilled my purpose of life… I know that self actualization actually is a revolving process, but to change course that drastic… I am incapable to do so.

I think it got to me that my culture, does not support women to reach to the height of their potentials.

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November 11, 2008 - Posted by | Life in General, Love, Men, Relationship, Women

9 Comments »

  1. miss H,
    “I think it got to me that my culture, does not support women to reach to the height of their potentials”

    kalahin the culture?

    Comment by setan gundul | November 12, 2008 | Reply

  2. saha2 sah aja sih punya anggapan macam itu. But Hey…. lihat masih banyak ibu rumah tangga yang juga sukses berkarier..
    Gue gak suka aja sama kata2 “child factory” itu lho…
    Gak enak dibaca atau didengar..

    Comment by mayssari | November 12, 2008 | Reply

  3. @setan gundul
    oh my dear… beat the culture? no way… it is a heritage that I am proud to be part of. But I can’t help to be me also…

    @mayssari

    ciao bella..
    as for the terms… hihihi… you may say it other names, but some men would just divorce or even take a mistress if his wife can’t bear a child, no?
    thus come the term ‘child factory’…

    and I wasn’t only talking about being married and to have a career my dear… it is the whole idea of being human and being respected as equal as any MAN.

    But, again… each can have their own opinion… and I thank you to have and give your opinion, and I would love to hear your reason for not liking that term 😀

    Comment by hapitri | November 14, 2008 | Reply

  4. @child factory :
    There’s this theory, a long long time ago, women ‘WERE’ child factory because the civilization needed more human for food, work, war, etc. Thus, women were made to stay at home, spread their legs, and shoot a bundle of nocturnal-slimy-creature from between the legs nine month after. For the longest time, it was our main role in civilization. This was where the patriachal tradition came from. Anyway, humankind have evolved, our role is evolving. Our self-actualization could be more than just a child factory nowadays.

    Suprisingly, some of us just still like to live in the dark ages era….

    Comment by deedee | November 14, 2008 | Reply

  5. @Deedee…
    because on that age, the taxation is not as complicated as today…

    btw, couldn’t help to think how far have we evolved?

    Comment by hapitri | November 14, 2008 | Reply

  6. beb.. secara gw bkl pulang dlm 1 minggu lagi, gw harap lo masih sayang ma gw stlh baca comment gw… hehe… tulisan2 lo bikin gw ketawa, sedih, heran, n bingung.. mnrt gw, nikah n punya anak tuh pilihan beb, bukan kodrat. yah lo gak bisa ngejudge org yg nikah, punya anak, gak punya karier di kantor trus hidupnya gak berarti. merawat n membesarkan anak tuh gak gampang beb, coba lihat kita skrg.. mnrt lo, emak2 kita berhasil nggak..? :p Idealnya emang punya suami, anak, n karier yang sukses so bisa beli LV pk duit sndiri. tp gak smudah itu kan. spt yg gw bilang, lo terlalu sinis and anti ngeliat perkawinan (kyk gw dulu) – wanita menikah selalu salah di matalo, inget gak wkt gw kaku megang wajan, lo ngritik gw gak bisa masak, tp skrg stlh gw bilang masakan gw enak, lo bilang gw emak2… ohh… mana yg bener sih…? Punya suami gak berarti lo jadi tukang masak n child factory kok, – itu ketakutan gw di awal2 gw nikah, tp ternyata suami gw bs ngerti gw, dan tetep ngdukung gw utk ngelakuin yg gw suka. gw masak krn gw suka n gw pengen makan, bukan krn tugas gw sbg istri, (suami gw tetep bikin kopi sndiri. Laundry, beres2 rumah & tempat tidur jg bagiannya),

    Mnrt gw, org punya pilihan n jlnnya masing2 utk ngerasa bahagia.. tmn gw – cwe, indo, ex mnjr BNP Pariba di jkt, MBA di rotterdam,cantik, 38 thn, blom nikah,.. tp gak pernah dia ngeluh or berkomentar gak enak ttg para ibu2 yg milih utk “di dapur”. Dia bilang, kl ketemu jodohnya, dia bkl nikah, kl gak, ya gak masalah.

    Sekarang.. apa sih yang lo mau dlm hiduplo..? apa sih yang bikin lo bahagia?

    Comment by you know me, beb. | December 18, 2008 | Reply

  7. sayangku… elu kan dapet laki yg lumayan moderen… scr elu skrg msh tinggal di negara barat, skali lagi gw tekankan ‘kultur’ memaksa kita melakukan apa yg mereka harapkan dari seorang manusia untuk lakukan…
    oohh… aku mengkritik dirimu?? maafkan… bukan maksud… 😛

    gw engga ngejudge orang, cintaku.. itu cuma hasil pengalaman gw bertemu para wanita dalam interview & grup gw 😦
    gw pernah nangis kok krn mereka begitu pasrah dalam hidup.. bukan salah mereka… salah kultur…

    oh ya… elu kan emg sekarang hot momma… pastinya emak2 xixixixi.. but totally hot 😉

    gw engga pernah bilang membesarkan anak atau bawa2 anak selama 9 bulan (spt elu skrg ini) dalam perut itu mudah… oohh… being a parent is soooo much difficult than just a young executive. agree bangeettt….

    aku engga anti… kamu kan tahu ada satu pria yg bisa bikin gw bilang “I want to have his baby!!” hahahaha… cuma takut… takut kultur bakal mendorong gw ke tempat wanita2 yg berpuas dalam bayangan lelaki… (not you of course, secara elu masih ingin byk hal… contohnya LV bag huahahaha)

    anyway… so difficult to hate you sweetie… after all, you are one of the loves of my life 😀

    Comment by hapitri | December 19, 2008 | Reply

  8. Dear, dear old (young?) hapitri, you-know-me-beb has crossed over.

    ……..

    Wakakakakaka, and i still love her, twice even more!!

    Comment by deedee | January 9, 2009 | Reply

  9. playing with words, aren’t we?

    love is not a statement… it is an act!!

    face your demons!! face it!!

    prove your love…

    Comment by hapitri | January 10, 2009 | Reply


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