Bitchiness is not a Crime

Just another woman who try to look wise

Of not we’ve expected

When we were little and innocent, the thought that our parents are going to leave us never occurs. All we know that they will always be there for us, to protect us or scold us. To provide us wisdom, shelter, love and food, as they always do. But as we grow older (and hopefully wiser), we realized that one day those who have love us dearly and we might have taken for granted, will one day leaves us.

I was so indifferent about this, until the end of last year… yup, about 1 year ago I started to have fear of death. Not mine, but those who I have loved.

I remember how I can’t talk about this without bursting into tears. How some people have hold my hand and speak of the same fear, of how they went through the same thing I am going through. Although it feels good that we know that we are not the only person who felt it, but the experience itself… is depressing.

About 1 year ago, my daddy was diagnosed with 3rd stadium cancer. He has 5 beautiful daughters, smart, strong, independent and strong willed daughters. All what parents would want from their off springs. But only my eldest sister who eventually got married and gave him a beautiful grand-daughter. While the rest of us… well, we’re still waiting/looking for our other half.

I receive the news just when I arrived from my vacation in Lombok, my youngest sister gave me the news. It seems automatically that I responded with a cold and short reply… “I’ve already suspect that from the beginning”… shit!! What kind of responds is that? In my head I was crying and screaming like hell… but somehow, I restrained myself and take the position of ‘the pillar’… I know that everyone in the family crumbled to tears, I know that everyone of us cried secretly or openly… I don’t want to show my tears in front of my family, no, no, no!! I must be the strong one, I must be the one who hold them in one piece. But to be honest…

I fear that my daddy will not going to be there to give me away in my wedding, I fear that I haven’t return all of his favour in rising me, I fear that my children will never know their grand-daddy (as I was… by the age of 3, I run out of grand-daddy), I fear that I have failed him (but he never have the heart to tell me that), I fear that I will never have the chance to tell him how much I love and adore him, I fear that he might break into tiny pieces if I held him so tight… I fear that one day I will see him lying in cold and in eternal silence.

I am the weakest of them all… I’m so scared to show my feelings, I am so scared to be near my daddy and shed tears, I am so scared that I might worsen his illness by showing a sign of weaklings.

My boss, who I consider as a dear friend too, told me that I should just spend time with him since we never know what the future hold. A colleague who experience the same condition (worse I think, since both of his parents got cancer), told me that he grew numb – he don’t like life, yet not willing to die.

As for me… I secretly cry… confused… blaming myself for being so weak, for being so cold, for taking my distance… I run away from the pain, taking overloaded work just to avoid this… writing this down actually takes months. I don’t have the courage. I am scared.

As I grew older… and hopefully wiser, I realized more and more that life is not of what we have expected when we were little. We have to deal with pain that cannot be dealt with pain killers or condolences, we will eventually lose some people we love, if not today, then one day.

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November 10, 2008 - Posted by | Family, Life in General, Love, Relationship

2 Comments »

  1. Perasaan yang sama yg pernah kualami. Tapi, aku tak bisa tidak menangis bila seseorang yg kucintai pergi untuk selamanya. Aku tidak bisa tegar di hadapan orang lain.

    Tapi…kita memang harus siap karena maut tidak bisa diduga. Ia bisa datang setiap saat.

    Comment by fatamorgana | November 11, 2008 | Reply

  2. 😀

    we will face this one day 😀

    Comment by hapitri | November 11, 2008 | Reply


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