Bitchiness is not a Crime

Just another woman who try to look wise

The Cross Road

Yesterday, I had a talk with some colleagues of mine about the choices in life… marriage or career. Some (optimist) people might disagree that we should choose between career and marriage… (oh believe me, in my line of work… most of the time, we must choose between the two).

At first I thought (like anyone else), it’s not a choice?! It’s something one’s need to balance (indeed…) and there are many people who can do it (agree… agree…).

Then this one colleague of mine, he told me that his marriage was a fucked up one and he was the problem. He said that he was so caught up in work so much and neglected his family, so at the end… it was over. He said, “you were right Happy, it is about integrity… when you’re committed to do one thing, you should have the integrity to do it.”

I was confused… can’t one have integrity and have both?

Then I review the way I work… it was Saturday afternoon, I am at the office working from early morning… trying to finish a presentation… I imagine if I do have family… what a bad mum would I be?!

Here I am… minutes away from being 29 years old… hours away from 30… single, so caught up in work, trying to have a career. So focus to find my place in this world, and at the same time trying to find ‘happiness’… (what the hell is happiness anyway?!?!)

 

On the evening, I met my ex-bf that I dated 10 years ago… it was so nice to talk to someone who knows me from my innocent years :P. We talked about many things in our life, the decisions we made, our dreams, our life at the moment… well, we’re updating ourselves after last time we meet.

And then he ask me… “where are you at right now in life?”

That question startled me… yes, where am I right now? To be honest, I feel like I am being ‘directed’ to one path… but I answer him, “I think that I’m in the cross road that I mentioned before…”

But my mind was raving… am I in a cross road? Or the path of my life has been decided?

I told him, “I think now, I need to make a decision of where I want to go…”. but, I know where I want to go… I want to be on both paths… yet, one cannot split herself.

 

As the day come to an end… we talked about plans in the future and our dream… to be honest, I am so scared to dream and make any plans now. I know that I can always plan my career life, and I know if I want, I can achieve it (hey, with a determination… I know I can. I’ve proved it and it’s not as difficult as it might seen). But I was so scared to saying it, I’m scared that it would be the decision that I might regret one day. Deep inside, I wanted to believe that there’s another path lies for me to choose.

 

Now in my bed (where I supposed to finish a presentation that’s due tomorrow), listening to Norah Jones “Don’t know why I didn’t come”, and hunting mosquitoes… I slowly realize that the path is already laid down for me to walk and I don’t have other choice now (no… I’m not giving up or anything as you might think I have), you see… all I have now are my parents, my siblings and my friends, and they’re all behind me all the way in my career choice. What other path?? This path is going to one direction, I did try to find other paths… but those paths redirect me to this path I’m walking now.

 

Sitting on my bed, smiling… I don’t see anything wrong with this path. It can lead me to my childhood dream, to be an independent woman, able to support myself, enabling me to travels, gives me freedom to think, to act, to have a fulfilled life, to be a human. So what was that ‘hypothetical’ other path about??? Ah yes, preserving genes, self extension, and socially agreeable 😀

I was never on any cross road from the first place… I choose this road from the first time I have career dream, from my childhood. This is where I belong and where I should be.

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September 15, 2008 - Posted by | Dream, Life in General, Women

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