To kill a mocking bitch

A long time virtual friend (that I finally met last year), says to me, “…I can take your cynicism, but why do you have to mock men and put it in your blog”.

What?

I’ve never intended to dedicate my blog for men mockery. I do put some harsh words for men in general and specific, but the main purpose was not to criticised men (not entirely, it’s not). When I started to write blog on Friendster, it was more or less like a diary. And when I read it over again, I see that it’s not very exciting and so typical of woman whining to find love, etc. etc.

Then I realised that what I talk and discuss with my friends and people around me are more exciting and more interesting…

I wrote my first exciting piece on singlehood with a good friend, and at first I wanted her to be another author of this blog. But she decided to do otherwise, she made a blog of her own. So I am left to write all by myself.

The first thought when I started this blog was, “I believe that there are other female of my kind to feel the same way, I wanted to meet them and get their opinion of these topics”.

Yet, apparently, so little has interests in these matters (which makes me even curious to know what’s in people’s head).

Instead inviting females, as you can see, most of my visitors are males. (yet, another interesting fact!)

I wonder, is it only me who feels the way I am, or these things are supposed to be kept as a secret of the heart? Since I know that many times I talk to other people, they would agree to some extend that they also feel the same way.

I may sounded like a pathetic biatch that need to get laid or something, but for me, I am just being honest and true to myself (and the world).

I like a good healthy discussion, and I do believe that is actually the main purpose of this blog, so I can talk about my thoughts with people who finds it interesting and they can agree or disagree with everything I said.

That choice has been made

“…from the day that you are born”…. That is something someone said to me.

I didn’t believe him at first, I mean, what a bull, you are capable to decide whatever and whenever you want… rite?

A shocking news come to my attention today, and I didn’t see it coming AT ALL…

I mean, okay… I did see it, but not so soon… I feel like being lied to, tricked and used.

I am angry, pissed and very, very upset… (oh the headache)…

I cannot really talk about it openly… since it’s not a very good story to share… maybe one day… when I lose all my conscience and moral values.

And actually my friend said that to me, regarding a choice I need to make in my career. But today… I see his point. I really don’t want to be seen as a pathetic biatch, but I can’t help to think that… maybe…. Just maybe… I choose not to find anyone to settle down. It’s not about the standard people!! It’s about the ‘wall’ which another point that friend of mine said in another topic… (I think I can consider him as a good counsellor for me… kinda wise in a very odd way).

Back to that ‘wall’, he said that, it is I who made that wall so high and thick for anyone can penetrate (lay off the dirty mind people), and I do realised that I keep pushing people away, because I was so uncomfortable… with… I don’t know with what! With myself maybe, or the thought that haunts me… negativity, as another friend would call it.

In my mind, I don’t really believe that anyone can make me happy. Even though I desperately need it, but I’m not willing to take the risk…

I wasn’t all this pessimistic back then, but so many bad encounters… so many bad experiences… I may have learned them wrongly… at this moment… exactly this moment, I am so terrified to need anyone. I am scared that if I do lean on someone, that person may end up hurting me… I’m afraid of disappointments… I am afraid of rejections… so I choose to be bitter and mean instead, to push them away before they can hurt me.

I have only very few best friends, I kept a very tight circle around me… just to make sure that I am safe from all the pain.

I know… I know… I need to change the way I think… but every time I do that, something bad happened… and it’s not as easy as snapping one’s finger.

Oh, so many things running through my head now… all in images or concepts… no words…

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

(I’m not in love… it’s just one of those poems that moves me)

Heart Broken

A few days ago, one of my best friends snapped at me. I guess the years of our friendship had weary him… he said, “why do you have to debate everything?!”. At instant, I shut down… I am horribly shocked and feel a sharp sting in my heart.
Of course as always, being the usual drama queen, in my mind I come to another fear (you see, these fears, had not stop and growing numbers by the day), I am afraid that one day when I’m already married, this man, who is my husband would snap just like my friend. I know it’s tiring to be around me… I keep asking, I want to reason, keep debating, etc. and he’ll grow tired of me… of course, the result now… I can’t see my friend for sometimes, not that I’m angry… but seeing him, remind me of my fear…
I told my other friend about this, and she said… in marriage, you will make sacrifices.
Now I feel heart broken… without love to start from, but my heart is already in pieces…
After that… there’s this guy, I’ve known him for sometimes… I don’t date him or anything, but the last time we chat, we’re getting along very well… and made some promise that we’ll go out or hang out or something like that. Just today, when a notification from the messenger that he’s online, and without thinking, I put on invisible mode on.
I know why… I am scared as hell… I just want to push them aside, just to avoid heart broken… I don’t want to give up my rationale, I don’t want to give up my curiosity, I don’t want to give up my brain.
You see, I have never remembered that I can make my mind blank. When I tried to clear my head, to put a blank mind (they said its comforting and so on and so on), I stop breathing. Really, literally, I stop inhaling and exhaling… if someone ask me to focus on my breath, I will see a picture of lungs, veins, the way the lungs expanding and shrinking…. I will think of how the lungs distributes the oxygen and then I start wondering how the lungs put that oxygen in blood while I know that you can kill someone by injecting air to the veins…. I can continue… up until I have no more answer…. And then remember that I was supposed to make my mind empty. I have no capability of it. And when the questions grew and I start my personal debate, I need to let it out or find the answer by talking to people…. Of course, I can make a mental debate with myself, but the knowledge will not expands. I only know that much, how can a personal debate achieve anything without adding more knowledge?
Not only I managed to annoyed people with my arguments, I also managed to screw my head… at this moment, I am not quite proud of this ability… the only thing that can calm my mind is only fictions. I beginning to understand why I love fiction so much, especially fantasy books/stories. It is absurd, and not real. My mind will not process it as information to analyse or digest, it let me imagine and relaxed it.
I’m ranting again… wow…. I totally have the quality to attract eligible man.
I do understand that people want to come home and let go… unwind… stop thinking and just be dumb after a whole day at work thinking and trying to be bright. They don’t want to come home to a woman ranting about supernova or anatomy or whatever… they just want nice meal, neat-clean house and a warm bed… if possible a hot lady on top of it. They want to come home to simplicity… I understand that perfectly. But must I do lobotomy to be with someone?
Dear old friend, if you read this, please understand that I am not angry at you, rather I am horrified by the possible future and I am angry of myself.

The apple bucket, continued!

Last night I had a chat with several friends, different time and of course virtually (since that is the world I currently in).
I got some nice material to write on, but let’s save that for next time.
For this is a continuation of my previous blog.
At lunch hour, I went for coffee and cigarette with a colleague of mine, and suddenly out of the blue we’re talking about love, men, marriage… you know, all the boring stuffs that we seems can’t get over it.
This colleague of mine tries to convinced me that I should just got married to a friend of mine, and she tries really hard to make me say yes I do… to think that the guy doesn’t even ask me
She agrees with me that the world we’re living now, especially Indonesia, is not suitable for my way of thinking, so I should just settle with the next best thing.
(I remember clearly that I was so much like her when I was her age, I thought that I had life figured out – boy, was I wrong!)
The bottom line is that she believe that I should take less smarter men to keep me company… she said that I would be happier to be able to dominate that guy (huh?? Am I in ‘World Domination’ game???), she really believes that a man far smarter than I am, will not make me happy, in fact I will feel miserable with him.
Well… some people thinks that they know what’s best for others (right mas Haniifa? ), to think that I don’t even yet know what is best for me, unfortunately, the Almighty still keeps it as a surprise for me 
Anyway, after that in the afternoon I had a chat with an old friend who I’ve just met again after some years in a wedding. So he decides to drop me a buzz on my messenger. We talk and talk… (what I do best at the moment), and what was insightful of that conversation was… that I realised that when I first know him, I wasn’t like this! I keep my opinions well hidden and shows a ‘normal girl behaviour’. Of course all of these kinds of thinking were already there in my head back then, but I was so afraid to say it out loud…
He seems a bit surprise to me, and that reaction makes me think! All this time you people tried to talk me to change and be ‘normal’… but I was! And I wasn’t happy back then and I didn’t feel content at all. Yo people! I’ve changed! And back then, I didn’t find any man who can make go ‘Ooohh… Aaahh…’. So why this time be different?
Well if back then they think of me as a pretty face with less brain, at least now they think of me as a smart-ass biatch… I can live with that! 
You know what?! In fact I’ve change in every second I live. Either physique, or mentally, or even emotionally… and I do enjoy this changes… (though I whine a lot) the things I learn from life, not only mine, but also others… are extremely exciting…

All apples in the bucket are good?

In an ideal world, we are all living in bliss… all of us have roof above their heads, clothes to keep warm, food to satisfy our hunger, and our better half just as better.

It has been a very busy week for me, and I realised that I haven’t had the chance to talk to my best friends… intellectually of course.

And for the last few days I’ve been so cranky and irritated at everything. At first I don’t know why… but after a while I think about it… I am intellectually hungry… oh I misses exchanging witty words, sarcasm, or just discussion anything that came out of the blue…

This also makes me think further… I think, I cannot live with someone who cannot satisfy my craving for intellect things. This new insight of myself makes me stumble upon what I have on my plate at the moment… I can’t accept just ANY man to be my life long companion.

Someone once told me that it is impossible for me to live with someone less than me… I wasn’t quite agree with her at that time, I thought “hey, as long as we both can be partners, of course I can!”. But I was wrong… then I also remember someone from my past told me, “H, you can’t live with just a simple guy, you’ll get bored in 5 minutes”.

Am I that complex?

And just a few weeks ago, my mum said to me, “you want someone who you can dominate, right?!” – hell no!!

But, did I send that signal?

I know that I will always challenge any man who tries to get on my side, not because I want to win… ou contraire… I want someone who can beat me… makes me yield…

Only a few did, but they don’t want me… of course. I know why… we all want to come home to simplicity…

After a whole day at work, with all the pressure and the work load, we just want to unwind ourselves in our nest, we just want to be stupid, dumb as an ass, and ignorant as commoners, etc.etc… we don’t need more challenges in bed (well, you know what I mean… some ‘challenges’ are required).

(don’t you all dare tell me to change! It is not a matter of changing outfit, instead… about acceptance)

You see, I’ve begin to face the real problem… it’s not that I’m blaming Indonesian men, how can I? I mean, they’re all been brought up like that and that is all they know… and I can’t blame how I am now… (trust me, it is not because how I’ve been brought up, or maybe it is… who cares)

I just had a conversation with a friend, I told him, “you see, this is the normal circle… and I am here… outside the normal circle”. I’m not implying that I’m crazy or anything. It’s just I don’t belong in ‘normal’ criteria.

As far as I can see, there are 2 options for me…

1. To accept the ‘normal’ norm and be content with whatever come next.
2. To accept that in my journey, I may never find my better half (since he is off running out with some other chick crossing half the world)

Now, to choose option 1… I may have to force myself to get up every morning and put on a fake smile for the rest of my life (of course, it may turn out to be different, but the chances are slim).

Or to choose option 2… I have no idea what’s ahead, and uncertainty makes me feel very uncomfortable.

So many people had tried to convince me that being ‘normal’ is a better option. But how can they know? They’ve never been ‘not-normal’ for their entire life… how can they know how it feels to be so desperately craving for a sexy intellectual conversation? Do they even know what is a ‘sexy intellectual conversation’ is?

Just because most in a bucket of apples are sweet, but it doesn’t mean that the entire bucket are all sweet juicy apple, right?

Is it cultural or just… plain idots?!

Sedikit curhat, tapi juga penasaran… saya cerita dulu kronologisnya (agak panjang)

semalam gw dan beberapa rekan gw jalan bareng. Kami dari kantor yg berada di daerah sudirman menuju ke pasar festival (ceritanya mau karaokean).
Dari awal berangkat, supir taxi kami sudah mengambil jalan yang rutenya muter bgt (dia mengarahkan mobil ke casablanka, padahal kl lewat rute pasar rumput kan lbh dekat).

teman2 saya (ada seorang bos dalam taxi itu), tidak komentar. malah ada teman saya yang cukup sok tahu mengarahkan taxi untuk lebih memutar (supir dengan bahagia langsung membelokkan mobil ke jalan kecil yg tidak membuat kami sampai lebih cepat).

sampai akhirnya di kuningan, saya yang berusaha tidak ambil bagian dari pengambilan keputusan bodoh itu, menyerah dan meminta supir itu untuk mengambil jalur lambat ini kata2 yg saya gunakan:
“pak ambil jalur lambat aja, kayanya bapaknya juga engga terlalu tahu jalan”

and then… tiba2 semua didalam taxi terdiam… dan teman yg sok tahu tadi tiba2 blg:
“that’s not so nice”

pertanyaan saya, kenapa orang2 Indonesia membiarkan supir taxi itu menipu dan malah menegur orang yang mengakui adanya penipuan?
saya bukan tipe orang pelit yg akan membayar pas bener dengan argo taxi, tapi saya juga bukan orang yang rela ditipu mentah2.

so tell me… how does Indonesian judge what is right and what is wrong?
what is the f*cking logic behind that?

sorry agak panjang… cuma penasaran apakah ini masalah dalam culture kita atau temen2 gw aja yang begonya ga ketulungan??

Alive and kicking!

I’ve talked to many people about life, love, dreams, desire, passion… and so many things…

But there is this friend of mine, of course like most of my current friends, this one also a virtual friend (I guess people just don’t make friends anymore in real world).

I have to be honest, that I always look forward talking with this friend of mine… unlike any of my friends… this person, some how able to turn my emotion up and down… whenever we have a chat, I (almost) always experience an emotion storm inside of me. We laugh (well, at least I laugh and smile a lot), I cry (I know for sure that he’s not crying), I feel devastated, I feel spirited, enthusiastic, I mean all those emotions rush running through me…. It tires me, it drains me… but it also invigorates me!! Funny… it feels like I’ve been detoxified. It feels like something inside me had been cleansed.

This emotion storm sometimes happen to me when I talk to other friends also… even to that guy

But this kind of storm… never had it before I met this person. Of course, this person is a guy (no.. no… don’t get any ideas! He’s taken and not interested on me). Unlike the emotion stir that I had with D, this is something new… tehehe… I think the key word is ‘new’

For whatever reason, I like talking to him and I like how he stirred my emotion.

To think, it wasn’t even really an intelligent talk… but that guy really knows how to make a girl go wild and crazy, if not for him, for whatever he said

You rock man!

It’s shown

Last Friday when I went to an early meeting at a client’s place, and as common Jakarta attitude, the client of course was late. So while we’re waiting, my boss and I, (yes, the story was not about the meeting, I was placing a place only) we had a small talk… and I don’t know how it got to where we were, but we end up talking about being single. She said to me that being single is not actually by destiny, it is an option. One thing her mother told her that is, if someone wanting enough to be married, then it will shows in her attitude, in the way she dress, in the way she puts on her make-up, the way she talks, the way she moves, etc. Then she said, those women who want to get married, they put those things to attract men, to get some attention to them and at the end, they do all those things to please men. I think it through… and remember that most of my ‘un-married’ friends, so often that they don’t put on makeup, they dress as they please, and they don’t swing their hips To be honest, knowing that… knowing that it is I, myself, who actually doesn’t want to be married, is almost a relieve! Since I think I know what makes marriage scared the hell out of me… I am so afraid that I might lose myself in that marriage, turn to be someone else, have to give up my true self. Some people say that you need time and need readiness, to settle… I don’t know if I ever be ready. Some others say that you need the right person, and then you’ll know… Oh, I just don’t give a shit! I’m happy as I am now, I don’t need to change because of ‘man’. It’s not like no one wants me, but it is more to… I think, I don’t want to be with anyone… I do feel lonely every once and a while, but when I think of how my life is now… I believe I created the whole situation, I prevent it from happening… Whoa… such a big, big statement to myself.

Cute article

A friend of mine gave me this article and I thought this article belongs here…

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/5-things-single-women-hate-to-hear-433659/?pg=1#comments

It is so true and if you read the comments… wew, some people think that they are better than the rest of us