All apples in the bucket are good?

In an ideal world, we are all living in bliss… all of us have roof above their heads, clothes to keep warm, food to satisfy our hunger, and our better half just as better.

It has been a very busy week for me, and I realised that I haven’t had the chance to talk to my best friends… intellectually of course.

And for the last few days I’ve been so cranky and irritated at everything. At first I don’t know why… but after a while I think about it… I am intellectually hungry… oh I misses exchanging witty words, sarcasm, or just discussion anything that came out of the blue…

This also makes me think further… I think, I cannot live with someone who cannot satisfy my craving for intellect things. This new insight of myself makes me stumble upon what I have on my plate at the moment… I can’t accept just ANY man to be my life long companion.

Someone once told me that it is impossible for me to live with someone less than me… I wasn’t quite agree with her at that time, I thought “hey, as long as we both can be partners, of course I can!”. But I was wrong… then I also remember someone from my past told me, “H, you can’t live with just a simple guy, you’ll get bored in 5 minutes”.

Am I that complex?

And just a few weeks ago, my mum said to me, “you want someone who you can dominate, right?!” – hell no!!

But, did I send that signal?

I know that I will always challenge any man who tries to get on my side, not because I want to win… ou contraire… I want someone who can beat me… makes me yield…

Only a few did, but they don’t want me… of course. I know why… we all want to come home to simplicity…

After a whole day at work, with all the pressure and the work load, we just want to unwind ourselves in our nest, we just want to be stupid, dumb as an ass, and ignorant as commoners, etc.etc… we don’t need more challenges in bed (well, you know what I mean… some ‘challenges’ are required).

(don’t you all dare tell me to change! It is not a matter of changing outfit, instead… about acceptance)

You see, I’ve begin to face the real problem… it’s not that I’m blaming Indonesian men, how can I? I mean, they’re all been brought up like that and that is all they know… and I can’t blame how I am now… (trust me, it is not because how I’ve been brought up, or maybe it is… who cares)

I just had a conversation with a friend, I told him, “you see, this is the normal circle… and I am here… outside the normal circle”. I’m not implying that I’m crazy or anything. It’s just I don’t belong in ‘normal’ criteria.

As far as I can see, there are 2 options for me…

1. To accept the ‘normal’ norm and be content with whatever come next.
2. To accept that in my journey, I may never find my better half (since he is off running out with some other chick crossing half the world)

Now, to choose option 1… I may have to force myself to get up every morning and put on a fake smile for the rest of my life (of course, it may turn out to be different, but the chances are slim).

Or to choose option 2… I have no idea what’s ahead, and uncertainty makes me feel very uncomfortable.

So many people had tried to convince me that being ‘normal’ is a better option. But how can they know? They’ve never been ‘not-normal’ for their entire life… how can they know how it feels to be so desperately craving for a sexy intellectual conversation? Do they even know what is a ‘sexy intellectual conversation’ is?

Just because most in a bucket of apples are sweet, but it doesn’t mean that the entire bucket are all sweet juicy apple, right?

Internet, a safe haven

A perfect example of what I’ve talked on my earlier post!

Last night I went out with a couple of my female friends, we’re having coffee and talks about… well, about anything that comes to our mind. And yes, I felt good. It feels so nice to be out of internet (well, not entirely since we still open our laptops and browse internet together…), to see real people and see real emotions not emoticons! For the first couple of hours I was happy. Indeed I was.
As usual, some men are eyeing on me… most often that would irritates me. But I was in such a good mood, I just don’t give a shit. (oh no, I am not someone who think too high of herself… you just need to feel it yourself to the level of being stared at is verrrryy annoying! – no, I am not extremely gorgeous, I don’t even wear low cut shirt, I don’t even put any make ups, my face is very oily, my hair is just messy… it’s true!)
So there we are on the corner of one of well-known doughnut place in Jakarta (yes, it was a real corner), doing our own thing. And there was a guy in front of me, he was stealing glances at me (oh ho ho… of course I notice! I’m the kind of person who would avoid these horny bastards by hiding behind a curtain). At first, I thought “yeah, whatever dude, you can stare all night, but you wont be getting anything from me”. But then he took out a freakin’ camera… (oh yeah, he decided that staring wont last forever), he pretends to show his friend his camera, but I know (hey, you would know when a lens of a camera is pointed at you, RIGHT?!) he was trying to take a shot at me. Hey, hey. I am well trained, remember?
So I tried to avoid that lens at any cost, but eventually he grew tired of me playing hid and seek behind my friends back, so he actually take a real shot (I moved of course… nothing is for free man! Want to take picture of me, you need to pay!).
I was furious! He’s obviously violating my personal rights and space! I feel like crushing his camera and breaking his neck… my friends tried to calm me down, so I ask my friend to switch place. He can only see the back of me… (yeah man, take a picture of my gorgeous dry, faded hair).
I was considering either to crush the camera and break his arms, or break his arms and crush his camera… when my sister texted me, that she’s waiting outside for me.
So I left… still furious (even until now… oh, this anger gives me headache).
Reaching home… I log in to internet… then I saw E_Dragon’s comment on my post.
I re-think and re-think… I feel happier in internet, because I can really choose people who I feel trustworthy to expose myself. I can be an old lady with 3 kids and everyone would just think that I’m such a nice lady and no intention of weird or kinky things (of course I occasionally met perverts, but hey… that’s why yahoo messenger have that ‘block’ button right?!)
I can be a man, who is very charming since I know what women want (I’ve been told, aha!), I can be a little boy who love games, I can be a teenage girl, or whoever I want!
I realised that internet has become a refugee for me, I can move freely, talk freely and wave my hair without anyone thinking that was a gesture of attention or whatever…
I am actually the same person in internet and in real world, I wear no make ups, I am bold, I am a geek, and so on and so on. But in internet I don’t feel violated when a guy start staring at me (hahaha… they can’t!)
I weight the positives and negatives of both world, of course at the moment, internet wins…
Either that… or I need to move out of the country. I remember walking down the streets of Singapore or Bangkok, where I feel so free… where I can actually enjoy the scenery, the people, where I can just sit down at some park or street hawker without feeling alarmed, scared or disgusted by the look on men’s faces.

Someone once told me that I love to be the centre of attention, but I am not. I prefer to be an observer… I like sitting on dark corners and looking at people, enjoying their emotions, enjoying their interactions, and if I feel safe I would love to interact with them.

And internet gave me that chance… shit! I can’t get out of internet, can I?

Virtual life?

Since I’ve read an article (http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21st-century-making-you-miserable.html) that’s talking about the things that trap us in virtual world… I’ve been thinking…
Maybe I’ve been running away from the real world (even until this moment while writing my blog), I’ve been trapped inside the virtual world without me even noticing…
A friend of mine said, that we’ve all slowly turning into computer mutants… when you start spending significant time in front of a computer, then you slowly turning into a mutant.
Personally, I would say… we’ve all turn ourselves into virtual characters. Back a few years ago, if someone tells me this, I would reject to the idea and argue that idea at instant!
But now, that I am an internet character myself… (I should say ‘characters’). The idea horrify me… what have I become?
I tried to run from my real world loneliness and try to find a shelter in internet… meet new people, make new friends and even turn old friends into new people!
This idea actually slaps me on the face a few days ago, when I realised that my friend, my nice friend in real life, is an internet bitch!
I can talk about lots and lots of random things to her, but in real life… we had so little to talk about.
I tried to be the same person in real life and virtual life when with her, but since she’s not the same… it’s difficult for me to adjust!
Hiding behind a computer monitor makes us unassailable to physical gesture and tone of voice.
Makes us less tolerant to other people.
Makes us care less…
The more I think about it, the more it scares me…
I mean like this blog of mine, I decided to write a blog since I know that people dislike to hear these kind of things that came out of my thoughts… so, instead of finding the right people to talk to and share this uncommon thoughts, I’ve decided to write a blog, of where people alike me exist (they don’t exist in real world since it’s socially unacceptable to be as I am… oh yeah, it is! I am a cast out from the people, I know this true)
I use less effort to make people understand me, and that makes me less affectionate!
Talking to a friend through messenger this whole afternoon makes me even scared, since this friend of mine… is someone I met in the internet and we’ve been sharing our thought and dreams like old friends. Oh, indeed it’s nice to have someone listen to you… but as usual, eventually I got bored.
Yup, I’ve begun to long for real human interaction… and now… oh God! To be honest, I don’t know where to look or to start!
A constant chat and greet virtually nowadays can be classified as a ‘relationship’! it cannot! It’s not real, it’s just illusion. Since we all begin to imagine what’s the person on the other side is like, and we start forming our own opinion and ‘BOOM’… we are trapped in our own illusion of our virtual friend (I mean, someone even thought that I am sweet?!?! Huh? I am anything but sweet!)
Or if we don’t like the person, we can just ‘blocked’ that person away… literally blocked them. Spam them from our messenger, or blocked them from our facebook page or pretend that we didn’t get their message. Oh, there are no more courtesies in internet…
I really missed real human interaction!
Now tell me friends, instead of you listening to my thoughts, let me hear yours!

My ‘Awards’

1st Award from Fatamorgana

2nd Award from Fatamorgana