Ignorance is bliss

While talking to a friend of mine, who is very much laid back and take life as it is… which I envy very much of course. I realised that I was once like him… carefree, and so easy on life. Then I take a few steps back and try to remember what made me turn into this, whatever I am now… I think too much, I read too much, I analysed too much. Instead of enjoying life, I try to figure out life. Though I can explain things and understand a lot (not a whole lot), but I am not happy. The more I know, the more I feel unhappy… and the more I envy those who are unlike me. And I know now the true meaning of ‘ignorance is bliss’… it is true… what you don’t know, doesn’t hurt you… My thirst of knowledge lifts the mist of life’s illusions and opens my eyes to the vast plain of the unknown… I guess, my real life story starts with ‘sophie’s world’… it stretches my cup into a pond and the more I read… the bigger the pond becomes… or! It wakes me up that in fact I am a mere fly on the saucer’s edge? Now… I know that I can never ever be able to fill that cup, and that makes me unhappy. Anyway, this friend of mine when he knows that my heart is weary and lost, he ask me to read the Koran… and I asked him, “you mean sing the Arabic words?”… oh the naïve-ness of people… again, what you don’t know really doesn’t hurt you… But then I rethink… maybe this is God’s way of telling me, that the knowledge does put me away from people… but it is a great gift. I mean, I know more than common people… I can use that knowledge for my own good. This knowledge does not only isolate me, but it also open up a new and better path for me. Someone once told me, that God gives learning in every side of life… all we have to so is just to take learning from it, be humble therefore the knowledge will come easily. From the moment he said that, I know exactly what he was talking about… in a way, I’ve been learning and taking lessons if the things I read and talk about to people… And I thank God that my heart still belongs to God, I mean nothing in the things I learn had been against God. I got lucky I guess… my eyes were opened to God, before it opens to the world’s knowledge… or it was the way it meant to be? Who knows…

Lautan

Sebuah puisi yang saya tulis bertahun yang lalu… anehnya saya tulis ini bukan pada saat saya sedang jatuh cinta, tapi saat saya belajar tidak mencintai

Aku mencintai dirimu seperti aku mencintai lautan.

Lautan yang luas dan dengan kedalamannya ia mencintai diriku

Dengan penuh misteri ia nyatakan cintanya

Kedamaian yang ia berikan kepadaku, seperti ketentraman yang kau berikan padaku

Bahkan pada saat badai melanda penuh gejolak…

Tetapi lihat apa yang ia bawakan untukku saat amaranya berlalu

Ia persembahkan hartanya yang terindah kepadaku,

Ia letakkan diatas pantai berpasir putih yang lembut.

Dan ketika ia membelaiku dengan jemari-jemarinya yang tak terlihat olehmu…

Ya, aku mencintai lautan seperti aku mencintai dirimu.

Dengan airnya ia membasuh tubuhku agar aku suci bersih,

Dengan penuh kehangatan ia tawarkan dirinya sebagai pelipur lara bagi hatiku

Ia telah menawanku dengan pesonanya yang tak pupus oleh habisnya waktu,

Kemanapun aku melangkah, akan ku temukan dirinya tengah menanti kehadiran diriku.

Dapatku rasakan deburan jantungnya saat ia merengkuh diriku kedalam pelukkannya

Dengan cahaya yang memandikan diriku, ia perlihatkan keindahan dirinya

Keharuman yang dikeluarkan oleh tubuhnya ketika ia menarikan tarian cinta yang gemulai untuk diriku

Kemudian ia menyanyikan cintanya dengan penuh kelembutan dan memanggilku untuk selalu bersama dengannya.

Dapat kurasakan betapa ia mencintai diriku

Hingga sampai pada saatku, aku mencintai dirinya seperti aku mencintai dirimu

Kodrat wanita (Women’s nature)

Secara pribadi, saya merasa kata-kata ‘kodrat wanita’ itu telah di pergunakan secara berlebih dan disalah gunakan. Kenapa?
Karena setiap kali saya berargumentasi tentang hal-hal yang ingin saya capai dan hal-hal yang ingin saya lakukan, maka ada saja seorang pria dengan sok tahunya akan berkata “Engga bisa kaya gitu dong, kan udah kodrat wanita…” Haiz!

Lama-kelamaan, saya merasa kata-kata itu digunakan untuk membatasi ruang lingkup dimana wanita bisa bergerak dan berkarya… dan yang lebih membuat saya naik pitam adalah saat wanita lain mencela dan menghina seorang wanita yang mementingkan keingingan pribadinya… hey, apa salahnya bila dia ingin menggapai bintang? Apakah dia melukai anda? Apakah dia mencorengkan muka anda dengan jelaga bila ia benar melakukan itu?

Semua tindakan ada konsekuensinya, dan saya rasa mereka tahu dan sadar itu kok… kenapa orang lain harus repot-repot menghakimi apa-apa saja yang bisa dan tidak bisa seseorang lakukan? Apakah pada akhirnya dia harus menghadapi anda untuk mempertanggung jawabkan semua perbuatannya? (mohon jangan pakai ini untuk menyerang balik pernyataan-pernyataan saya)

Yang saya permasalahkan disini adalah, kenapa orang hobi dan getol sekali menekankan kata-kata ‘kodrat wanita’… yang tentunya saya merasa itu jadi vonis dan bukan keistimewaan… wanita harus bisa jadi ibu, helllloooo… pria juga harus bisa jadi ayah, bisa mendidik anaknya, bisa mendampingi anak sehingga anak memiliki figur ayah yang sempurna, bisa menjadi bagian dari keluarga, dll…
Wanita tidak boleh melupakan keluarganya dirumah… oh, jadi ayah boleh? Boleh kerja sampai pagi, boleh tidur dengan wanita-wanita muda, boleh hang out dengan teman-temannya, boleh, dan boleh… (ya, saya marah)
Wanita tidak boleh melupakan kodratnya sebagai wanita…. Bagaimana kami bisa lupa??? Kalian terus-terusan mengingatkan pada kami, seakan-akan kami bodoh luar biasa!!
Apa sech kodrat wanita itu? Kenapa orang-orang terus-terusan menggembar-gemborkan hal ini? Kalau kodrat wanita hanya berhubungan dengan alat reproduksi dan tetek-bengeknya, huh… percaya lah, hal itu tidak menghalangi siapapun untuk berkarya, untuk berbuat, untuk jadi manusia dan untuk maju.

Duh, setiap kali saya mendengar ada pria yang berkata kepada saya, “tapi itu kan kodrat wanita…”, saya merasa seperti mendengar vonis mati, seperti seorang dokter berkata “maaf, hidup anda hanya tinggal 3 hari lagi dan anda tidak boleh melakukan apa-apa sampai waktu ajal menjemput”… yang saya inginkan adalah agar anda mencoba meletakkan diri anda didalam posisi kami, ya… coba bayangkan… yah… sekarang juga boleh… bisa bayangkan? Saya Bantu yah?
Bayangkan, anda seorang wanita dewasa… anda memiliki karir yang cemerlang, anda memiliki kesempatan mendapat beasiswa penuh ke Swiss, anda memiliki seorang kekasih yang ingin sekali menikahi anda, dan berkeras untuk menikah segera, anda berada ditengah 2 pilihan… menikah dan tinggal di tempat anda berada saat ini, atau meneruskan study dan karir anda, dan mungkin menikah setelah study anda selesai… nah saat itu lah orang-orang sekitar anda mulai rebut dengan kata-kata ‘kodrat wanita’…. “sudah kodratnya wanita menjadi istri dan ikut suami”, “kodrat wanita itu menikah dan punya anak”, “kamu jangan menentang kodrat kamu sebagai wanita, yaitu untuk mendampingi suami”…
Tetapi semua orang itu tidak pernah bertanya, apa yang anda inginkan… (mohon bayangkan anda sendiri yang mengalami dan jangan jadi orang ke 3 dlm cerita ini).
Apakah:
a. Anda melepaskan impian anda dan menjadi ibu rumah tangga saja
b. Tetap berkarir yang biasa-biasa saja yang penting nikah
c. Mengambil kesempatan beasiswa dan meneruskan karir cemerlang anda

Mohon berikan alasan yang baik seakan anda lah yang menjalani hidup tersebut.dan katakan pada saya mengapa anda berpuas pada pilihan tersebut.

Untuk para wanita diluar sana… jangan tertipu dengan kata-kata ini, anda bisa bermimpi dan meraih bintang… hanya bila anda mau, bila tidak… maka itu adalah pilihan hidup anda dan tak ada seorangpun yang akan menghakimi anda akan pilihan itu 

Administered

A few nights ago, I talked to a friend of mine about… well, what else, love and all its’ complications.

I told him that I don’t actually looking for a grand love, a great man or a drop dead gorgeous man. I said that all I want is someone who is compatible to me, and of course then he said, “so you want someone up to your standard?”… well, don’t we all want that?

Someone who is up to our standard, not exactly our own clone, but he or she must fulfil a certain requirement.

It occurs to me that this mate searching in this world, mostly done by intuition, feelings, instinct and all the irrational things of human. What people didn’t realised that we actually looking for someone that can fulfil our (conscious and unconscious) standards.

I remember telling that I wish this mate searching process can be done mechanically, like;

1. Find an opposite gender/sex
2. Check compatibility
   1. Religion
   2. Age
   3. Education
   4. Intelligent
   5. Working status
   6. Lifestyle
   7. Life point of view
   8. Ambition
   9. Vision
   10. Family orientation
   11. Sex orientation
   12. Life orientation
   13. ETC.
3. Check background
   1. Family history
   2. Friends history
   3. Relationship history
   4. Work history
   5. ETC.
4. Check genetic
   1. Illness
   2. Disorder
   3. Abnormality
   4. ETC.

And with that we can conclude whether that person can be our mate or not…

Of course, we all have done it, but not deliberately… I think not many will make that kind of list.

Then that friend said that you might want a Vulcan for a mate… LOL…

Yeah, I do think that less emotion in a relationship will lessen the friction between the two parties.

Another friend tells me, that the game is the exciting part of any relationship. I wish I know where the ‘fun’ part is… since it wasted precious time and energy.

I mean, if I wanted to play game, I turn on the computer or game consoles, and not playing some kind of crazy-sick games of someone’s heart…

Life’s little coincidences…

Last weekend I had a chat with some friends on my messenger, funny things keep popping up!!

First, a junior school mate of mine buzzed me and he told me that he dreamt of me… actually dreamt of my boyfriend (and since when I have one?), he said that he saw a photo of my boyfriend in my facebook photos… (I need to look for him in my gazillions photos now!). This friend of mine was very detail, he said that this bf is dark, look smart, looked good (please note: NOT good looking), and seems to be close to my family, a Padangnese or Arabic descendant… and his name got a J and an S!

It was cute to hear him describe my bf, and how we try to explain the reason for him to dream about that, of course at the end we were rationalizing things.

BUT! A few hours later, I had a chat with my friend’s ex bf, and suddenly he said… “sorry my J and S are broken”… I almost fell off my bed! Funny right?

Rather scary when he told me about he once wrote a poem (about 7 years ago) about water and he throw it away in a bottle to the sea! And then it hits me, I also wrote a poem about the sea a few years back (I didn’t try to remember the exact year… too many coincidences scares the hell out of me). And I should put it here one day… it was quite nice and sweet…

Anyway! I feel that there are too many coincidences around me lately, it almost felt like something or someone is trying to tell me something…

the female mind

A friend of mine once ask, why is it your blog only writes about marriage… of course, being a smart-ass as usual I denied it.
And then when I read this blog… hmm, indeed most of the recent stuff I wrote is mostly about relationship and marriage (I even think that maybe I’m a bit obsessed about it!!).
But now, after quite a while… It came to me… what was the blog name? female mind… and what is the title? Bitchiness is not a crime…
So this blog indeed about some girl being a bitch of anything that comes to her mind, right?
So it’s only fair to write down whatever comes to my (as the bitch) mind at that moment, to be more precise, at this moment.
So, you people who think that this is all just bullshit, please also put in your mind that maybe this is also the same bullshit that goes into your wife/girlfriend/friends/colleague/sister’s head…

The price of motherhood (By Steven E. Landsburg)

“On average, Miller has found in a new paper, a woman in her 20s will increase her lifetime earnings by 10 percent if she delays the birth of her first child by a year. Part of that is because she’ll earn higher wages—about 3 percent higher—for the rest of her life; the rest is because she’ll work longer hours. For college-educated women, the effects are even bigger. For professional women, the effects are bigger yet—for these women, the wage hike is not 3 percent, but 4.7 percent.”

from Steven E. Landsburg article in The Slate, The Price of Motherhood.

Interesting, right?

So on average…  I earn 10% more than my colleagues who had babies in their 20s??

As I was telling Mr. Landsburg, I believe that those women are unwilling to take risk (and maybe spend less time at work?) when they have baby.

I mean when I think about them, and try to project them to me… All I can think is that I would be afraid to take any risk when my child is still a baby. I mean I would not only support myself (not counting on the father at this moment), but also need to provide for my child.

I will not acting up at the office and try to be an employee of the month so my boss would keep me and not to replace me, since now I will have to spend less time at work and more time at home.

And of course I wouldn’t take any risk of having a new job, where I wouldn’t have any idea of how the boss would tolerate my time for my child and probation periode… oh, I need to proof that I am that good by working like hell… so no! I think that’s because those women are lacking security to begin with…

There my fellow singles and women without child, we have 10% more earning than those who has children at early age

Aren’t you glad that it actually worth something?

Polygamy club

You know that this post will come right?

So when the amount of wives become ’similarities’ that one has… women then turn into an achievement or to have more than 1 wife is a goal…

Let see the meaning of a club:

“A club is an association of two or more people united by a common interest or goal. A service club, for example, exists for voluntary or charitable activities; there are clubs devoted to hobbies and sports, social activities clubs, political and religious clubs, and so forth.“

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Club)

“An association of persons for the promotion of some common object, asliterature, science, politics, good fellowship, etc.; esp. an associationsupported by equal assessments or contributions of the members .”

(http://ardictionary.com/Club/7183)

well… now that we have the same meaning of what is literally A CLUB. Let’s talk more about it…

In this god forsaken club, what is the object? Ah yes… the amount of women each of the member marry.

&Y*^^*^&*^#&*&$*()*#()@*(@*(@&(#&$&*&*#&%&… in other word, I am totally pissed.

DO they mean that they make women as a subject? hobby? interest? that they can compete with each other?

So we women are like animal? that men gather and show to other people, and compare to? I mean like fishing club, right? they talk about where is the best spot to fish for a specific type of fish, where are the places they have fished, how big was the last catch and so on and so on…

Ugh… the thought of it makes me sick!!

Claiming to be moslem but at the end they only thinking about their freaking wangs and how to get it satisfied with more than 1 female… sick sick sick bastard!!

As I turn 30…

Today is another milestone of my life, I am turning 30!!

I still remember the days when I feel that being 30 is so damn old… wait! I still feel that way!!!!

Here I am turning 30, without a Dad… without purpose of life, without happiness, without ‘a life’…

You know, deep inside my heart still screams so hard whenever I remember I have no father anymore, whenever I remember his tears after he prays on his last day living, whenever I remember his last stroke of breath, whenever I remember his face turning cold… it still screams, it wont accept reality, it refuses the facts… but I can’t let out the scream. It stuck in my lungs.

I feel like I also died with my father, there is nothing inside me but anger… (I know… I know, it’s the steps of mourning… please leave out the psychology part to me). Right now, I feel cold inside. It’s like this whole body has no soul. An empty shell. Which is an irony, because I can feel a feeling – anger, which of course implies that I do have something inside… whatever is that.

So here I am, 30 years old. Clueless about life.

Hopeless

In pain

Angry

Feels like giving up everything.

Not a good way to start a new decade of my life, or to end a decade.

Things that happened lately makes me realised, that there’s no use to do whatever we do today, since tomorrow we will die eventually… you will leaves everything behind, all the fame and glory, love, money, power, this fragile body, fancy clothes, pretty shoes, make-ups, jewellery, life… it’ll be over soon.

The sadness, the fun, the happiness, the passion, it means nothing at the end. So why do we need to try so hard? Because the little time we had? If it’s so little, why do we even bother to do anything?

Like a pinch of salt to the sea… it means nothing!

Honestly, being average is good enough for me. I just don’t want to put more effort, I just don’t want to torture myself further… it means nothing at the end. (stop saying I should be a good sport, or see life in more positive way, or whatever… I had enough of those!)

Yes – I am furious! Angry to myself, angry to my family, angry to my father, angry to the world… we’re mortals, we deserve to be angry! (vice versa, we’d be extremely angry if we’re immortal)

I prayed to God to take some of my life and give it to my father, because I know I will be half empty when my father gone… so I have no use of it anyway. But I know, all things must end.

My father has a great life, and it’s better to stop gambling when you’re winning… I guessed that is what he does. Stops while everything is great.

I don’t know what to pray to God anymore… good health? It’ll be that IF God wants it, richness? No use, life? Love? Nothing! I really don’t want anything in life.

If only I could see my father, if only I could talk to him, if only he didn’t die… I might still have some hope of life.

I know me being this way is a big disappointment to him, but I can’t help it… life has it course, we have no power over it. So why bother trying setting the course, just live your days… it’ll end eventually.

Happy birthday Papa…

Ingin

Aku masih ingin punya Papa

Aku masih ingin dinikahkan oleh Papa

Aku masih ingin buat Papa bangga

Aku masih ingin berbakti kepada Papa

Tapi aku tidak ingin Papa terus menderita hanya demi keegoisan aku

Aku tidak ingin Papa terus kesakitan

Aku tidak ingin Papa terus merasa tak berdaya

Aku juga tidak ingin Papa tersiksa karena tertahan oleh kami.

Aku ingin benar-benar merelakan Papa

Aku ingin benar-benar memasrahkan semua kepada Allah

Aku ingin Papa benar-benar terbebas

Aku ingin Papa tidak lagi khawatir

Aku ingin terus menangis

Aku ingin air mata ini kering

Aku ingin hati ini berhenti merasa sakit

Aku ingin ini semua hanya sebuah mimpi buruk

Aku ingin Papa ada disini.

Aku hanya manusia yang memiliki keinginan-keinginan manusiawi,

Keinginan-keinginan egois.

Masih kurang rasanya waktu yang diberikan oleh Allah,

Masih kurang rasanya perhatian yang diberikan Papa.

Aku ingin Papa tahu bahwa Papa adalah alasanku untuk bertahan

Aku ingin Papa tahu bahwa semua ajaran Papa tetap aku laksanakan

Aku ingin Papa tahu bahwa hasil didikan Papa tiada tanding

Aku ingin Papa tahu bahwa hati ini tidak pernah tidak mencintai Papa.

In memoriam, Papa Soeryo, 12 October 1948 – 7 October 2009.