As I turn 30…

Today is another milestone of my life, I am turning 30!!

I still remember the days when I feel that being 30 is so damn old… wait! I still feel that way!!!!

Here I am turning 30, without a Dad… without purpose of life, without happiness, without ‘a life’…

You know, deep inside my heart still screams so hard whenever I remember I have no father anymore, whenever I remember his tears after he prays on his last day living, whenever I remember his last stroke of breath, whenever I remember his face turning cold… it still screams, it wont accept reality, it refuses the facts… but I can’t let out the scream. It stuck in my lungs.

I feel like I also died with my father, there is nothing inside me but anger… (I know… I know, it’s the steps of mourning… please leave out the psychology part to me). Right now, I feel cold inside. It’s like this whole body has no soul. An empty shell. Which is an irony, because I can feel a feeling – anger, which of course implies that I do have something inside… whatever is that.

So here I am, 30 years old. Clueless about life.

Hopeless

In pain

Angry

Feels like giving up everything.

Not a good way to start a new decade of my life, or to end a decade.

Things that happened lately makes me realised, that there’s no use to do whatever we do today, since tomorrow we will die eventually… you will leaves everything behind, all the fame and glory, love, money, power, this fragile body, fancy clothes, pretty shoes, make-ups, jewellery, life… it’ll be over soon.

The sadness, the fun, the happiness, the passion, it means nothing at the end. So why do we need to try so hard? Because the little time we had? If it’s so little, why do we even bother to do anything?

Like a pinch of salt to the sea… it means nothing!

Honestly, being average is good enough for me. I just don’t want to put more effort, I just don’t want to torture myself further… it means nothing at the end. (stop saying I should be a good sport, or see life in more positive way, or whatever… I had enough of those!)

Yes – I am furious! Angry to myself, angry to my family, angry to my father, angry to the world… we’re mortals, we deserve to be angry! (vice versa, we’d be extremely angry if we’re immortal)

I prayed to God to take some of my life and give it to my father, because I know I will be half empty when my father gone… so I have no use of it anyway. But I know, all things must end.

My father has a great life, and it’s better to stop gambling when you’re winning… I guessed that is what he does. Stops while everything is great.

I don’t know what to pray to God anymore… good health? It’ll be that IF God wants it, richness? No use, life? Love? Nothing! I really don’t want anything in life.

If only I could see my father, if only I could talk to him, if only he didn’t die… I might still have some hope of life.

I know me being this way is a big disappointment to him, but I can’t help it… life has it course, we have no power over it. So why bother trying setting the course, just live your days… it’ll end eventually.

Happy birthday Papa…