Bitchiness is not a Crime

Just another woman who try to look wise

That choice has been made

“…from the day that you are born”…. That is something someone said to me.

I didn’t believe him at first, I mean, what a bull, you are capable to decide whatever and whenever you want… rite?

A shocking news come to my attention today, and I didn’t see it coming AT ALL…

I mean, okay… I did see it, but not so soon… I feel like being lied to, tricked and used.

I am angry, pissed and very, very upset… (oh the headache)…

I cannot really talk about it openly… since it’s not a very good story to share… maybe one day… when I lose all my conscience and moral values.

And actually my friend said that to me, regarding a choice I need to make in my career. But today… I see his point. I really don’t want to be seen as a pathetic biatch, but I can’t help to think that… maybe…. Just maybe… I choose not to find anyone to settle down. It’s not about the standard people!! It’s about the ‘wall’ which another point that friend of mine said in another topic… (I think I can consider him as a good counsellor for me… kinda wise in a very odd way).

Back to that ‘wall’, he said that, it is I who made that wall so high and thick for anyone can penetrate (lay off the dirty mind people), and I do realised that I keep pushing people away, because I was so uncomfortable… with… I don’t know with what! With myself maybe, or the thought that haunts me… negativity, as another friend would call it.

In my mind, I don’t really believe that anyone can make me happy. Even though I desperately need it, but I’m not willing to take the risk…

I wasn’t all this pessimistic back then, but so many bad encounters… so many bad experiences… I may have learned them wrongly… at this moment… exactly this moment, I am so terrified to need anyone. I am scared that if I do lean on someone, that person may end up hurting me… I’m afraid of disappointments… I am afraid of rejections… so I choose to be bitter and mean instead, to push them away before they can hurt me.

I have only very few best friends, I kept a very tight circle around me… just to make sure that I am safe from all the pain.

I know… I know… I need to change the way I think… but every time I do that, something bad happened… and it’s not as easy as snapping one’s finger.

Oh, so many things running through my head now… all in images or concepts… no words…

July 5, 2009 - Posted by hapitri | Philosophy | | 21 Comments

21 Comments »

  1. Yap, setiap kepemilikan selalu berimplikasi kehilangan, dan kehilangan umumnya menyedihkan, bahkan terkadang sangat menyakitkan.
    Demi menghindari implikasi akibat kehilangan, sebagian orang memilih untuk tidak mulai memiliki, sebagian lainnya memilih untuk mengamankan “miliknya” secara ketat, sementara sebagian lainnya umumnya menjaganya secara proporsional dan selebihnya dipercayakan pada perlindungan YMK.

    Semua orang pasti tak menghendaki dan takut merasakan kehilangan, bahkan untuk sesuatu yg less valuable sekalipun. Namun demikian setiap orang sesungguhnya memiliki kemampuan untuk mengalahkan ketakutan tersebut dengan mudah. Buktinya, orang memilih punya pekerjaan meski tetap ada resiko kehilangan jabatan/pekerjaan; memilih punya tempat tingal, kendaraan, harta kekayaan dsb meski kesemuanya juga tak luput dari resiko kehilangan dan kepunahan. Bukankah tak ada sesuatu yg abadi di dunia ini? Harta kita? jabatan kita? pekerjaan kita? orang tua? anak? teman? bahkan kita sendiripun kelak pasti kan lenyap…

    Maka dari itu, sungguh heran jika orang yg sesungguhnya membutuhkan sesuatu malah menutup peluang memperoleh sesuatu hanya karena terlalu mengedepankan rasa takut kehilangan….; Saya menjadi gemas manakala ada orang mendambakan “teman” justru malah menghidari “pertemanan” hanya gara-gara ybs menjadikan “rasa ketakutan”-nya sebagai phobia akan kehilangan.

    Have U ever heard the song “que sera-sera”….? or read “the Prophet” of Khalil Gibran?
    Just listen to its rythm and the lyric carefully, and let the call for love discovers the beauty of secret garden of your heart!

    rgds

    Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 24, 2009 | Reply

    • que sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future is not our to see… que sera sera ;)
      yes, I am quite familiar to that song…

      “dengan sepotong doa dibibir untuk yang tercinta…”
      ya, saya juga cukup familiar dengan tulisan Khalil Gibran… :D

      and have you read Paolo Coelho, The alchemist? it is all ‘maktub’… :D

      begini mas, bukan hanya mas saja yang gemas… saya juga kerap bertanya2 pada diri sendiri, kenapa, kenapa dan kenapa?
      jawabannya simple… ga mau repot!
      Kalau cuma berteman sech saya ga masalah, tp yg mulai bermasalah kl mereka mulai mengganggu :)

      nah untuk masalah ‘pasangan’ (itu kan maksud mas?), itu saya lagi bertanya2 lagi pada diri sendiri… apakah benar saya ingin punya pasangan? atau kan saya terlalu menikmati drama dan misery dari kesendirian saya?

      Atau!

      saya lelah sakit hati, lelah berharap, lelah, lelah, lelah…. *menari2*

      begini deh mas, saya kasih contoh simple… coba mas nyalakan lilin…
      letakkan jari mas diatas api lilin selama 5 detik, tarik jari mas….
      lalu letakkan jari mas lagi diatas api selama 5 detik, tarik lagi mas…
      lakukan ini sebanyak 15 kali…
      pertanyaan saya… Kali keberapa mas merasa takut, lelah and butuh waktu lama untuk mengumpulkan keberanian untuk membakar jari mas lagi?

      semoga itu menjawab ke-heranan mas terhadap keraguan dan kebimbangan saya :)

      Comment by hapitri | July 24, 2009 | Reply

      • Hehehe… I see, U r rite ….,
        U like arguing… hehehe (peace…!!!)

        Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 24, 2009

      • Saya jadi ingat lagunya Rafika Duri :

        “lelah.. lelah hati ini….;
        menggapai hatimu tak juga menyatu…
        lelah… lelah hati ini, bagaimana kelak ku akan,
        berjalan…. di sisimu”…

        duh…

        Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 24, 2009

      • Tanpa bermaksud ngeyel atau “petakilan”… (tau gak artinya?..saya jg ga hampir ngerti koq … hehehe) bicara ttg getting partner…, setiap individu pasti punya reason masing-masing ttg why should one need or do not need a partner in his/her life. Saya pribadi tergerak, terdorong dan so eager punya teman hidup karena beberapa hal a.l. :

        1. getting married and regenerating selain merupakan dorongan naluriah (that I could never deny that I need someone in my life), sekaligus merupakan mekanisme pembuktian menyangkut kesungguhan dalam menjalani kodrat/fitrah sbg mahluk-Nya yg diberi amanah dan bertanggung jawab thdp kesinambungan dan kelestarian semesta alam. Selaku kepala keluarga dipundak saya terpikul kewajiban dan tanggung jawab sekurang-kurangnya thd kehidupan “isteri” dan “anak” sehingga saya dipacu utk less egocentric dan belajar utk memikirkan orang lain.

        2. membina keluarga selain diyakini akan memberikan kebahagiaan dan hidup jadi lebih bermakna, juga merupakan tantangan thd “kecerdasan” individual saya mengenai konsepsi dan idea ttg what should life be yg bercokol di benak saya untuk secara konsekwen diimplementasikan dlm kehidupan berkeluarga. Hasilnya….? we’ll find it out at the end…….

        3. “keberhasilan” dlm membina dan “membangun” manusia lain yg sebelumnya tidak eksis dlm kehidupan saya (istri & anak) siapa tahu kelak menjadikan mereka justru sbg anugrah bahkan survivor kita… meski tak mesti itu tujuan utamanya.

        Itulah beberapa alasan mengapa saya begitu eager utk berkeluarga. Memang people says there are many ways to Rome utk merasakan/mencapai kebahagiaan, bahkan mungkin lebih mudah tercapai jika kita enjoy hidup “sendiri”. I think that is too easy……

        OK, salam hormat buat ayah, ibu dan teman-teman baik anda

        Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 30, 2009

  2. @ Hapitri :
    “In my mind, I don’t really believe that anyone can make me happy. Even though I desperately need it, but I’m not willing to take the risk…”

    if I may say :

    1. Try to build a trust in U that one day U’ll finally find a good one…. (no necessary expect a great Prince neither a …..green Ogre…hihihi)
    2. If U think no one can makes U happy, I’m sure U can easily make someone happy. Share your smile to everyone and feel the happiness colors your days.
    3. People may says all good one is taken, pssst…. don’t tell anybody…., I swear HE kept several for U!

    dam diram diram…. diraram…wo wo wo..

    Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 26, 2009 | Reply

    • correction to no.3 :

      3. People may say “all good one was taken… but I swear I believe HE kept THE BEST for U!

      Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 26, 2009 | Reply

      • how sweet :)

        Comment by hapitri | July 28, 2009

    • can I?
      It is tiresome to be with me… I realised that :(
      so it is even more difficult to feel happy with me :(

      I don’t feel that I have problems with trusting people… or myself.

      hahaha… my friend said that I am challenged!

      Comment by hapitri | July 28, 2009 | Reply

  3. Great…!!!, logically, U have quite significant reasons to become a good wife and a good mother too!!

    1. Sbgmn Mbak kemukakan dlm alinea pertama diatas, Mbak’e juga memiliki hasrat utk beranak pinak. This is the most fundamental and fundamental reason.
    2. Pengakuan bhw “not exactly is an ideal mother material” adalah modal sgt berharga utk mudah bekerja sama dgn org lain (partner) dan menerima pndpt orang lain that would lead U to become an ideal mother.
    3. Rasa takut yg mengemuka dlm butir 3 sd 6 dst……
    membuktikan bhw Mbake adalah seorang wanita yg onward looking, visioner, peduli dan penuh cinta….. luar biasa!

    The most important thing, just open your heart and mind for someone that would share his life with U dear……
    Good luck!

    Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 31, 2009 | Reply

    • hiks… mas Irawan ini buat saya makin bingung T_T

      Comment by hapitri | August 2, 2009 | Reply

      • I deeply appologize if my comments have confused U. Honestly, that’s all I could see in U…..

        Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | August 3, 2009

  4. A true comical Story on the Power of God

    This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day.

    Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.; but, the kitty would not come down.

    The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. Sooooo, that’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But, as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went ‘boing!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.

    The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No…. nobody had seen a stray kitten.

    So, he prayed, ‘Lord, I just committed this kitten to your keeping,’ and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

    This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, ‘Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?’She replied, ‘You won’t believe this,’ and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

    Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, ‘Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it…’ She told the pastor, ‘I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.’

    Lesson learned:

    Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor

    Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | October 12, 2009 | Reply

    • indeed it is funny!!! :D

      it’s raining kittens!!! stop praying all…

      Comment by hapitri | October 16, 2009 | Reply

  5. it’s a matter of perspective if I may say…
    depends on how look at the matters, no?
    may peace be upon you… :D

    Comment by hapitri | July 25, 2009 | Reply

  6. I like to test my argumentation and people’s…
    not just for the sake of arguing lho…

    Comment by hapitri | July 25, 2009 | Reply

  7. hahaha….
    lagi pada titik jenuh kali yah…

    Comment by hapitri | July 25, 2009 | Reply

  8. Sumpe …! saya sedapat mungkin hindari menghakimi pendirian orang lain meski saya ngerti betul perjalanan hidupnya, apalagi yg tidak….
    Saya memang terkadang melontarkan kata “maybe” or “perhaps” or some other posibilities, sekedar mengajak lawan diskusi utk senantiasa menyediakan ruang, sepelik apapun masalah yg dihadapinya, bagi secercah harapan, to stop worrying and start living, as Dr. Dale Carnegie says in his best seller.

    Semua orang tau mangga Harum manis itu manis, tapi saya tahu bahwa “rasa manis” yg ditangkap lidah seseorang belum tentu sama/setara/identik dengan yg lainnya… Demikian juga pahitnya buah pare, getirnya terong bunder dll… tak mesti selalu pahit dan getir, disana jelas terdapat rasa nikmat yg mampu membuat seseorang makan dengan lahap dan nikmat…..! ya gak??

    Salam greng greng deh….

    Comment by Irawan Danuningrat | July 26, 2009 | Reply

  9. hehehe… saya benar :)
    you know more than I do ;)

    Comment by hapitri | July 28, 2009 | Reply

  10. sebenernya… dorongan beranak pinak, atau berkembang biak adalah dorongan instinctual dari semua makhluk hidup :)
    in order to survive… and preserve their gene :P
    bukan berarti saya tak mau lhooo…. tp secara logika,
    1. saya itu not exactly is an ideal mother material…
    2. Saya takut nanti anak-keturunan saya mengalami keburukan dunia… lingkungan, virus, bencana, etc.
    3. Saya bukan orang yg sabar, saya takut meng-abuse anak2 itu
    4. saya takut salah didik (talking about freudian)
    5. saya khawatir saya akan neglect anak2 saya
    6. dan saya paling takut kalau anak saya meninggal sebelum saya…
    egois memang… tapi bukan permintaan anak itu untuk dilahirkan, maka saya tahu saya yg akan bertanggung jawab atas kehidupan mereka…

    saya juga tahu kalau saya tidak bs berpuas pada pria yg tidak bs melihat saya seperti saya yg sesungguhnya…

    hahaha… alasannya bs ribuan :D

    Comment by hapitri | July 30, 2009 | Reply

  11. hahaha… bingung to make out of me kok :D

    Comment by hapitri | August 3, 2009 | Reply


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