That choice has been made

“…from the day that you are born”…. That is something someone said to me.

I didn’t believe him at first, I mean, what a bull, you are capable to decide whatever and whenever you want… rite?

A shocking news come to my attention today, and I didn’t see it coming AT ALL…

I mean, okay… I did see it, but not so soon… I feel like being lied to, tricked and used.

I am angry, pissed and very, very upset… (oh the headache)…

I cannot really talk about it openly… since it’s not a very good story to share… maybe one day… when I lose all my conscience and moral values.

And actually my friend said that to me, regarding a choice I need to make in my career. But today… I see his point. I really don’t want to be seen as a pathetic biatch, but I can’t help to think that… maybe…. Just maybe… I choose not to find anyone to settle down. It’s not about the standard people!! It’s about the ‘wall’ which another point that friend of mine said in another topic… (I think I can consider him as a good counsellor for me… kinda wise in a very odd way).

Back to that ‘wall’, he said that, it is I who made that wall so high and thick for anyone can penetrate (lay off the dirty mind people), and I do realised that I keep pushing people away, because I was so uncomfortable… with… I don’t know with what! With myself maybe, or the thought that haunts me… negativity, as another friend would call it.

In my mind, I don’t really believe that anyone can make me happy. Even though I desperately need it, but I’m not willing to take the risk…

I wasn’t all this pessimistic back then, but so many bad encounters… so many bad experiences… I may have learned them wrongly… at this moment… exactly this moment, I am so terrified to need anyone. I am scared that if I do lean on someone, that person may end up hurting me… I’m afraid of disappointments… I am afraid of rejections… so I choose to be bitter and mean instead, to push them away before they can hurt me.

I have only very few best friends, I kept a very tight circle around me… just to make sure that I am safe from all the pain.

I know… I know… I need to change the way I think… but every time I do that, something bad happened… and it’s not as easy as snapping one’s finger.

Oh, so many things running through my head now… all in images or concepts… no words…