Heart Broken

A few days ago, one of my best friends snapped at me. I guess the years of our friendship had weary him… he said, “why do you have to debate everything?!”. At instant, I shut down… I am horribly shocked and feel a sharp sting in my heart.
Of course as always, being the usual drama queen, in my mind I come to another fear (you see, these fears, had not stop and growing numbers by the day), I am afraid that one day when I’m already married, this man, who is my husband would snap just like my friend. I know it’s tiring to be around me… I keep asking, I want to reason, keep debating, etc. and he’ll grow tired of me… of course, the result now… I can’t see my friend for sometimes, not that I’m angry… but seeing him, remind me of my fear…
I told my other friend about this, and she said… in marriage, you will make sacrifices.
Now I feel heart broken… without love to start from, but my heart is already in pieces…
After that… there’s this guy, I’ve known him for sometimes… I don’t date him or anything, but the last time we chat, we’re getting along very well… and made some promise that we’ll go out or hang out or something like that. Just today, when a notification from the messenger that he’s online, and without thinking, I put on invisible mode on.
I know why… I am scared as hell… I just want to push them aside, just to avoid heart broken… I don’t want to give up my rationale, I don’t want to give up my curiosity, I don’t want to give up my brain.
You see, I have never remembered that I can make my mind blank. When I tried to clear my head, to put a blank mind (they said its comforting and so on and so on), I stop breathing. Really, literally, I stop inhaling and exhaling… if someone ask me to focus on my breath, I will see a picture of lungs, veins, the way the lungs expanding and shrinking…. I will think of how the lungs distributes the oxygen and then I start wondering how the lungs put that oxygen in blood while I know that you can kill someone by injecting air to the veins…. I can continue… up until I have no more answer…. And then remember that I was supposed to make my mind empty. I have no capability of it. And when the questions grew and I start my personal debate, I need to let it out or find the answer by talking to people…. Of course, I can make a mental debate with myself, but the knowledge will not expands. I only know that much, how can a personal debate achieve anything without adding more knowledge?
Not only I managed to annoyed people with my arguments, I also managed to screw my head… at this moment, I am not quite proud of this ability… the only thing that can calm my mind is only fictions. I beginning to understand why I love fiction so much, especially fantasy books/stories. It is absurd, and not real. My mind will not process it as information to analyse or digest, it let me imagine and relaxed it.
I’m ranting again… wow…. I totally have the quality to attract eligible man.
I do understand that people want to come home and let go… unwind… stop thinking and just be dumb after a whole day at work thinking and trying to be bright. They don’t want to come home to a woman ranting about supernova or anatomy or whatever… they just want nice meal, neat-clean house and a warm bed… if possible a hot lady on top of it. They want to come home to simplicity… I understand that perfectly. But must I do lobotomy to be with someone?
Dear old friend, if you read this, please understand that I am not angry at you, rather I am horrified by the possible future and I am angry of myself.