Tequilla sour

Most of the time I don’t understand why people uses me as their benchmark… as their competitor.
I’m not the smartest girl in the world, though I also believe that I’m not the dumbest.
Right now, I am exhausted! People want to prove that they are smarter than me by trying to bend me.
YES, it is bending!
Why can’t they be confident by being who and what they are?
Why must they overcome other people?
Believe you me, I absolutely agree that I need to learn more, but why can’t you see that you also need to learn more?
I just wish that we all could complete each other and work together, than spending the energy to… what? So what if you can prove that you are goddamn smarter than me?
Is that an accomplishment? Is that you life’s achievement?
How more can your life be even more sadder??
I am no one, I tell you. Bending me doesn’t prove anything.
It’s just telling the world that you are better than… nothing!
If you see me happy and enjoys life, it’s because I learn to let go.
I learn to be grateful,  grateful that life has taught me, grateful that life has given me the chance to feel and to fall.
I am not your benchmark, your mind is playing trick on you. 

Bitterness of life

Last nite, I was chatting with a friend… we talked about what made some people hate to see others happy.
I told this friend, I remember the time (not so long ago – you can sense it in my writtings), when I look down on happy people. I thought, they must’ve been shallow, there are so many things in life that would make one unhappy, if only they realised it.
On the other side, there are so many things in life that can make us happy… if only we choose to see it.
I told this friend of mine, I was unhappy because I choose not to be happy, it justify myself to be bitter and sad.
But as I make friend with a wonderful person, who was my boss, I saw that she is happy with her life.
She didn’t make work as her distraction of real life, it is part of her life and she has other parts as well.
She choose to be happy and content.
So I learn to be happy and content, when I realised what I have now, I realised that I don’t have any reason to be unhappy.
Sometimes, things in life didn’t go as we planned, but that’s fine… it is part of life, and life has something else in store for us.
So what, if my life course doesn’t go as others? Does this mean that I’m happier than them? Or they are happier than me?
Each has made their own decision a long time ago, hence they need to acknowledge the result of their decision. Don’t pity yourself, because what you are today, are your own responsibility. Others can’t drive you, you drive your own path.
If you can’t be happy for others, then be happy for yourself.
If you don’t want to be the way you are, then change yourself.
Only you have the control, only you can decide.

Don’t blame others for you own unhappiness, they’ve got nothing to do with it!

Mergering two companies

I found that Indonesians are quite… ‘interesting’ in their perceptions of marriage.
The females, although they are working, they feel that their money is theirs and had no obligation to support the family’s financials. As my friend would say “if I want something more, or indulge myself in luxury, then I have to work and earn my own. But no way I’m going to put my money (willingly) into the family’s finance… it’s my husband’s obligation to support me and the children”
I think that kind of thinking is now, out-of-date. It’s a different world now, it’s a far more expensive life. To give the best education money can buy, needs 2 sources of incomes. I think all of us can be less selfish and stop thinking of what we’ve sacrificed, but what we’ve comitted to.
Of course, the idea is too far fetch by many, even by men. I believe it has got to do with their manhood; their ability to provide for their family. And if a woman helps them, it would make them less manly.
It’s a shame, I believe, when you have a family, you should stop thinking “what’s in it for me”, and start thinking “how I can be part of this family’s success”.
Think about your kids, their future and you commitments.

There’s a bit of craziness in everyone of us

Talking to a friend of mine who was diagnosed with ‘bipolar disorder’… I remember when I was in my manic-depressive state… It was a 10 months depression!!! I remember just wanting to wear black (not gothic I tell you) and cry my heart out…

So I almost don’t remember what pulled me out, until I talked to this friend of mine…

As this friend, is a non believer… and the doctor was keep urging on religion and god… and my friend got irritated, but can’t do anything about it since the medication and therapy are still on going.

I remember, this is why I said to many “I’ve found my answers in Islam”

And if you ask me what answer… I don’t even remember the questions!!! LOL… it’s not that kind of answer, yeah?!

But I remember how religion and god help me back on my feet and everything just… like nothing happened!

So I was talking about this to my other friend… in scientific logic, I’m just shifting my ‘disorder’ into some other ‘disorder’ (or making it worst?!?)

From cyclothymic into schizophrenia (hallucination)…

I do believe that everyone of us need to be a little bit of ‘crazy’, since human is a material and imaginary being… we have our ‘realistic world’ and we have our ‘imaginary world’ (our mind?!?!). S to have weight in both sides will make us a ‘healthy’ human being I think… you can’t be all realistic, it is so inhuman… and you can’t be all mental, it’s just plain crazy!!

 

The funny thing about my family

Most of the time, I don’t quite understand how my family thinks… yeah, I treated them as one… since 90% of us are females!!
So let’s just accept them as one collective mind… that I failed to understand!!
I believe, they prefer me to be unmarried… than to marry:
1. Before my mum’s favorite child
2. To someone they don’t like
3. To a non muslim
4. To someone who can makes me happy

So, bottomline… I am never gonna get any blessing to marry anyone.
Interesting family, don’t you say?
While me… I like to stay out of more life’s problems, not that I’m against marriage… i’d say… come what may

Beauty

…is God’s gift to human.
It is something to marvel at, but never owned
It is not something that we can keep
It is not a substantial matter

Love is beauty
Life is beauty
Friendship is beauty
Feeling is beauty

The more beautiful it is, the more it is unreachable
I believe God made it that way, therefore we can appreciate what God has given us

I will not be bitter for the things I cannot own
I will not shed a tear for the beautiful things that flown out of my hands
I will not despair for the things I cannot have

I rejoice the beauty I’ve had experienced
I cheer for every beauty that brushes my skin
I’ll remember beauty as a part of me

Love, life, work, friends, foes, hardship… and everything that shaped me
Those are the beauty of mine…
I never lose them, nor owned them..

Flying in the water

What I love about snorkeling is that when I’m in the water, I feel like I’m flying above the reef and fish…
Somehow, I feel weightless and free…
And when the current drives me, I feel free from deciding where to go… I literally following the stream… nothing holds me.
And when I turn to the sky, I feel that my world is limitless…

It hits me…

Life is about managing expectations, yours and other people

Sad and Lonely

I can’t help to smile when I heard those words came from one who I thought know me better…

I am describe as sad and lonely… maybe I was… but I know for sure that I am bitter and cut-throat (-bitch, if you want)

 

The funny part for me is that I’ve been happy and content for quite some time now… I have found what I want – (or you can say who I want), and we’ve been quite open… not that we proclaim anything… it’s that kind of relationship. We don’t need social approval

If she would describe me as bitter and sharp-mouth or even cut-throat, I couldn’t agree more!! I got many disappointments in life and I am upset that I cannot set the world according to ME…

 

And the sad part is… she was one my confidants… she ought to know, right?

Well… you thought you know the people you love and grow up with, you couldn’t be more wrong!

Okay… I admit, I tend to be attracted to sad and lonely people, why? because they usually are logical and not blurred by “happy hormones” and deluded by happiness… and they can see the angles I like

 

And am I so wrong to like befriend with them? I am sorry that they are sad and lonely, but they are the best people I want to be with… I don’t want to be deluded with the promise of happiness and sorts, I am real and I like facts… yes, I am cold

I don’t laugh easily, not easy to entertain me, not easy to engage me, I don’t like around happy people… they dream too much, and they believe too much on themselves…

 

But sad and lonely?

I remember being sad when I decided to end some of my (exciting) relationships… or when I remember the guy who brought emotional tornado in me… or if thinking I cannot see my better half anymore…

I can feel lonely… when thinking about my dad – I feel I’m all alone, when I was in my former office… when I know everyone is but an enemy… I do feel lonely when I have to pull up my blanket in my single bed after seeing my better half…

 

I can’t help to smile… my choice of music should’ve tell more about my feelings and emotional condition, eh?

 

To the one I love once…

If only you know how much I loved you once before…
How I dream our life together…
How perfect everything feels like…

But you…
You never accept me for who I am.
You wanted to shape me into someone you desire…
And I cannot accept you for wanting that…

And we throw everything away…

One day,
You will know how right I am…
One day,
You will feel sorry..
One day,
You will remember me as I am and desire me…

I loved you once before…
I will always love you, but not the same…
You are a milestone of my life…
You will always be a special one for me.

But I can never love you the way I used to love you.
I pray you happiness
I pray you joy
And I pray you, my friend, a peaceful life.