My last letter to you…

I never thought I’m gonna say this… but yes, we had our moment and I miss that a lot… Those late night conversations, all was always emotionally stirring and so refreshing… I thought, it was just a talk… but now I can see clearly… I was in love.You notice the past-tense? Yes, not anymore… I am all broken heart now. And the funny thing is, I didn’t even realise that until now…

But let me remember all the great conversations we once had… just for a little while. When I try to remember all of what we’ve talked about… all I can see is us, twirling around in a tornado of ecstasy… funny how emotions got through that instant messenger box. But you turn me in and out, up and down, you make me feel alive!!! Yes, I feel more alive when talking to you… at that time, I really don’t know what I feel about you. I thought you’re just a great chat buddy. Even when we finally meet, it was a good time.

Yesterday, I passed through our first meeting place… and I laugh. And said to myself, that’s where I dated you for the first time, and there’s a small voice in me that said, I’m never going there anymore. I didn’t understand. But now I do.

When you told me that you are going to marry someone else, I don’t feel angry or anything… but I know that we will never have a great conversation again after that. I feel what a pity… I really like talking to you. I think, I wrote you an email when you already decided to choose her, but I didn’t know… if I know, I would never write that email. But I’m glad, I had the chance to thank you. So this is the last thing I ever write to you… I removed you from my life.

You betrayed me. You gave me hope, but never give me the chance to fight. You told me that I inspire you, but you turn away from me. I thank you for giving me the chance to taste ‘alive’, but I curse you for being shallow over me. You are not just another guy, but you are the guy who broke my heart and put it frozen. I hate you because you made me fall in love, but I am grateful for letting me see through who you really are.

I know you think of me… and I know you will always think of me.

Unhappy

I think this is one of the worst moments of my life…

I am completely miserable.

and just now a friend of mine said the same feeling as I am, and she said “if only there’s a pill for happiness”. I said to her, “I don’t want to feel happy anymore, this feelings fit me well”

I don’t know, it’s funny how I don’t even want to feel happy anymore…

Today, I lost all of my reasons to be happy in life… I am unloved by the only person I thought will be beside me forever. Maybe I’ve always know this from the beginning, but to my selfishness, I refused to see.

As the day start… but I didn’t see that it is the beginning of an end. For a while I was in a complete ecstacy, it blurs my logics and clear mind. Now, as the effect of the drug wears off… I am again unhappy. And it is always more energy draining each time this happens, I don’t want to feel happy anymore just to feel unhappy at the end.

Ignorance is bliss

While talking to a friend of mine, who is very much laid back and take life as it is… which I envy very much of course. I realised that I was once like him… carefree, and so easy on life. Then I take a few steps back and try to remember what made me turn into this, whatever I am now… I think too much, I read too much, I analysed too much. Instead of enjoying life, I try to figure out life. Though I can explain things and understand a lot (not a whole lot), but I am not happy. The more I know, the more I feel unhappy… and the more I envy those who are unlike me. And I know now the true meaning of ‘ignorance is bliss’… it is true… what you don’t know, doesn’t hurt you… My thirst of knowledge lifts the mist of life’s illusions and opens my eyes to the vast plain of the unknown… I guess, my real life story starts with ‘sophie’s world’… it stretches my cup into a pond and the more I read… the bigger the pond becomes… or! It wakes me up that in fact I am a mere fly on the saucer’s edge? Now… I know that I can never ever be able to fill that cup, and that makes me unhappy. Anyway, this friend of mine when he knows that my heart is weary and lost, he ask me to read the Koran… and I asked him, “you mean sing the Arabic words?”… oh the naïve-ness of people… again, what you don’t know really doesn’t hurt you… But then I rethink… maybe this is God’s way of telling me, that the knowledge does put me away from people… but it is a great gift. I mean, I know more than common people… I can use that knowledge for my own good. This knowledge does not only isolate me, but it also open up a new and better path for me. Someone once told me, that God gives learning in every side of life… all we have to so is just to take learning from it, be humble therefore the knowledge will come easily. From the moment he said that, I know exactly what he was talking about… in a way, I’ve been learning and taking lessons if the things I read and talk about to people… And I thank God that my heart still belongs to God, I mean nothing in the things I learn had been against God. I got lucky I guess… my eyes were opened to God, before it opens to the world’s knowledge… or it was the way it meant to be? Who knows…

Lautan

Sebuah puisi yang saya tulis bertahun yang lalu… anehnya saya tulis ini bukan pada saat saya sedang jatuh cinta, tapi saat saya belajar tidak mencintai

Aku mencintai dirimu seperti aku mencintai lautan.

Lautan yang luas dan dengan kedalamannya ia mencintai diriku

Dengan penuh misteri ia nyatakan cintanya

Kedamaian yang ia berikan kepadaku, seperti ketentraman yang kau berikan padaku

Bahkan pada saat badai melanda penuh gejolak…

Tetapi lihat apa yang ia bawakan untukku saat amaranya berlalu

Ia persembahkan hartanya yang terindah kepadaku,

Ia letakkan diatas pantai berpasir putih yang lembut.

Dan ketika ia membelaiku dengan jemari-jemarinya yang tak terlihat olehmu…

Ya, aku mencintai lautan seperti aku mencintai dirimu.

Dengan airnya ia membasuh tubuhku agar aku suci bersih,

Dengan penuh kehangatan ia tawarkan dirinya sebagai pelipur lara bagi hatiku

Ia telah menawanku dengan pesonanya yang tak pupus oleh habisnya waktu,

Kemanapun aku melangkah, akan ku temukan dirinya tengah menanti kehadiran diriku.

Dapatku rasakan deburan jantungnya saat ia merengkuh diriku kedalam pelukkannya

Dengan cahaya yang memandikan diriku, ia perlihatkan keindahan dirinya

Keharuman yang dikeluarkan oleh tubuhnya ketika ia menarikan tarian cinta yang gemulai untuk diriku

Kemudian ia menyanyikan cintanya dengan penuh kelembutan dan memanggilku untuk selalu bersama dengannya.

Dapat kurasakan betapa ia mencintai diriku

Hingga sampai pada saatku, aku mencintai dirinya seperti aku mencintai dirimu

Kodrat wanita (Women’s nature)

Secara pribadi, saya merasa kata-kata ‘kodrat wanita’ itu telah di pergunakan secara berlebih dan disalah gunakan. Kenapa?
Karena setiap kali saya berargumentasi tentang hal-hal yang ingin saya capai dan hal-hal yang ingin saya lakukan, maka ada saja seorang pria dengan sok tahunya akan berkata “Engga bisa kaya gitu dong, kan udah kodrat wanita…” Haiz!

Lama-kelamaan, saya merasa kata-kata itu digunakan untuk membatasi ruang lingkup dimana wanita bisa bergerak dan berkarya… dan yang lebih membuat saya naik pitam adalah saat wanita lain mencela dan menghina seorang wanita yang mementingkan keingingan pribadinya… hey, apa salahnya bila dia ingin menggapai bintang? Apakah dia melukai anda? Apakah dia mencorengkan muka anda dengan jelaga bila ia benar melakukan itu?

Semua tindakan ada konsekuensinya, dan saya rasa mereka tahu dan sadar itu kok… kenapa orang lain harus repot-repot menghakimi apa-apa saja yang bisa dan tidak bisa seseorang lakukan? Apakah pada akhirnya dia harus menghadapi anda untuk mempertanggung jawabkan semua perbuatannya? (mohon jangan pakai ini untuk menyerang balik pernyataan-pernyataan saya)

Yang saya permasalahkan disini adalah, kenapa orang hobi dan getol sekali menekankan kata-kata ‘kodrat wanita’… yang tentunya saya merasa itu jadi vonis dan bukan keistimewaan… wanita harus bisa jadi ibu, helllloooo… pria juga harus bisa jadi ayah, bisa mendidik anaknya, bisa mendampingi anak sehingga anak memiliki figur ayah yang sempurna, bisa menjadi bagian dari keluarga, dll…
Wanita tidak boleh melupakan keluarganya dirumah… oh, jadi ayah boleh? Boleh kerja sampai pagi, boleh tidur dengan wanita-wanita muda, boleh hang out dengan teman-temannya, boleh, dan boleh… (ya, saya marah)
Wanita tidak boleh melupakan kodratnya sebagai wanita…. Bagaimana kami bisa lupa??? Kalian terus-terusan mengingatkan pada kami, seakan-akan kami bodoh luar biasa!!
Apa sech kodrat wanita itu? Kenapa orang-orang terus-terusan menggembar-gemborkan hal ini? Kalau kodrat wanita hanya berhubungan dengan alat reproduksi dan tetek-bengeknya, huh… percaya lah, hal itu tidak menghalangi siapapun untuk berkarya, untuk berbuat, untuk jadi manusia dan untuk maju.

Duh, setiap kali saya mendengar ada pria yang berkata kepada saya, “tapi itu kan kodrat wanita…”, saya merasa seperti mendengar vonis mati, seperti seorang dokter berkata “maaf, hidup anda hanya tinggal 3 hari lagi dan anda tidak boleh melakukan apa-apa sampai waktu ajal menjemput”… yang saya inginkan adalah agar anda mencoba meletakkan diri anda didalam posisi kami, ya… coba bayangkan… yah… sekarang juga boleh… bisa bayangkan? Saya Bantu yah?
Bayangkan, anda seorang wanita dewasa… anda memiliki karir yang cemerlang, anda memiliki kesempatan mendapat beasiswa penuh ke Swiss, anda memiliki seorang kekasih yang ingin sekali menikahi anda, dan berkeras untuk menikah segera, anda berada ditengah 2 pilihan… menikah dan tinggal di tempat anda berada saat ini, atau meneruskan study dan karir anda, dan mungkin menikah setelah study anda selesai… nah saat itu lah orang-orang sekitar anda mulai rebut dengan kata-kata ‘kodrat wanita’…. “sudah kodratnya wanita menjadi istri dan ikut suami”, “kodrat wanita itu menikah dan punya anak”, “kamu jangan menentang kodrat kamu sebagai wanita, yaitu untuk mendampingi suami”…
Tetapi semua orang itu tidak pernah bertanya, apa yang anda inginkan… (mohon bayangkan anda sendiri yang mengalami dan jangan jadi orang ke 3 dlm cerita ini).
Apakah:
a. Anda melepaskan impian anda dan menjadi ibu rumah tangga saja
b. Tetap berkarir yang biasa-biasa saja yang penting nikah
c. Mengambil kesempatan beasiswa dan meneruskan karir cemerlang anda

Mohon berikan alasan yang baik seakan anda lah yang menjalani hidup tersebut.dan katakan pada saya mengapa anda berpuas pada pilihan tersebut.

Untuk para wanita diluar sana… jangan tertipu dengan kata-kata ini, anda bisa bermimpi dan meraih bintang… hanya bila anda mau, bila tidak… maka itu adalah pilihan hidup anda dan tak ada seorangpun yang akan menghakimi anda akan pilihan itu 

Administered

A few nights ago, I talked to a friend of mine about… well, what else, love and all its’ complications.

I told him that I don’t actually looking for a grand love, a great man or a drop dead gorgeous man. I said that all I want is someone who is compatible to me, and of course then he said, “so you want someone up to your standard?”… well, don’t we all want that?

Someone who is up to our standard, not exactly our own clone, but he or she must fulfil a certain requirement.

It occurs to me that this mate searching in this world, mostly done by intuition, feelings, instinct and all the irrational things of human. What people didn’t realised that we actually looking for someone that can fulfil our (conscious and unconscious) standards.

I remember telling that I wish this mate searching process can be done mechanically, like;

1. Find an opposite gender/sex
2. Check compatibility
   1. Religion
   2. Age
   3. Education
   4. Intelligent
   5. Working status
   6. Lifestyle
   7. Life point of view
   8. Ambition
   9. Vision
   10. Family orientation
   11. Sex orientation
   12. Life orientation
   13. ETC.
3. Check background
   1. Family history
   2. Friends history
   3. Relationship history
   4. Work history
   5. ETC.
4. Check genetic
   1. Illness
   2. Disorder
   3. Abnormality
   4. ETC.

And with that we can conclude whether that person can be our mate or not…

Of course, we all have done it, but not deliberately… I think not many will make that kind of list.

Then that friend said that you might want a Vulcan for a mate… LOL…

Yeah, I do think that less emotion in a relationship will lessen the friction between the two parties.

Another friend tells me, that the game is the exciting part of any relationship. I wish I know where the ‘fun’ part is… since it wasted precious time and energy.

I mean, if I wanted to play game, I turn on the computer or game consoles, and not playing some kind of crazy-sick games of someone’s heart…

Life’s little coincidences…

Last weekend I had a chat with some friends on my messenger, funny things keep popping up!!

First, a junior school mate of mine buzzed me and he told me that he dreamt of me… actually dreamt of my boyfriend (and since when I have one?), he said that he saw a photo of my boyfriend in my facebook photos… (I need to look for him in my gazillions photos now!). This friend of mine was very detail, he said that this bf is dark, look smart, looked good (please note: NOT good looking), and seems to be close to my family, a Padangnese or Arabic descendant… and his name got a J and an S!

It was cute to hear him describe my bf, and how we try to explain the reason for him to dream about that, of course at the end we were rationalizing things.

BUT! A few hours later, I had a chat with my friend’s ex bf, and suddenly he said… “sorry my J and S are broken”… I almost fell off my bed! Funny right?

Rather scary when he told me about he once wrote a poem (about 7 years ago) about water and he throw it away in a bottle to the sea! And then it hits me, I also wrote a poem about the sea a few years back (I didn’t try to remember the exact year… too many coincidences scares the hell out of me). And I should put it here one day… it was quite nice and sweet…

Anyway! I feel that there are too many coincidences around me lately, it almost felt like something or someone is trying to tell me something…

the female mind

A friend of mine once ask, why is it your blog only writes about marriage… of course, being a smart-ass as usual I denied it.
And then when I read this blog… hmm, indeed most of the recent stuff I wrote is mostly about relationship and marriage (I even think that maybe I’m a bit obsessed about it!!).
But now, after quite a while… It came to me… what was the blog name? female mind… and what is the title? Bitchiness is not a crime…
So this blog indeed about some girl being a bitch of anything that comes to her mind, right?
So it’s only fair to write down whatever comes to my (as the bitch) mind at that moment, to be more precise, at this moment.
So, you people who think that this is all just bullshit, please also put in your mind that maybe this is also the same bullshit that goes into your wife/girlfriend/friends/colleague/sister’s head…

The price of motherhood (By Steven E. Landsburg)

“On average, Miller has found in a new paper, a woman in her 20s will increase her lifetime earnings by 10 percent if she delays the birth of her first child by a year. Part of that is because she’ll earn higher wages—about 3 percent higher—for the rest of her life; the rest is because she’ll work longer hours. For college-educated women, the effects are even bigger. For professional women, the effects are bigger yet—for these women, the wage hike is not 3 percent, but 4.7 percent.”

from Steven E. Landsburg article in The Slate, The Price of Motherhood.

Interesting, right?

So on average…  I earn 10% more than my colleagues who had babies in their 20s??

As I was telling Mr. Landsburg, I believe that those women are unwilling to take risk (and maybe spend less time at work?) when they have baby.

I mean when I think about them, and try to project them to me… All I can think is that I would be afraid to take any risk when my child is still a baby. I mean I would not only support myself (not counting on the father at this moment), but also need to provide for my child.

I will not acting up at the office and try to be an employee of the month so my boss would keep me and not to replace me, since now I will have to spend less time at work and more time at home.

And of course I wouldn’t take any risk of having a new job, where I wouldn’t have any idea of how the boss would tolerate my time for my child and probation periode… oh, I need to proof that I am that good by working like hell… so no! I think that’s because those women are lacking security to begin with…

There my fellow singles and women without child, we have 10% more earning than those who has children at early age

Aren’t you glad that it actually worth something?

Polygamy club

You know that this post will come right?

So when the amount of wives become ’similarities’ that one has… women then turn into an achievement or to have more than 1 wife is a goal…

Let see the meaning of a club:

“A club is an association of two or more people united by a common interest or goal. A service club, for example, exists for voluntary or charitable activities; there are clubs devoted to hobbies and sports, social activities clubs, political and religious clubs, and so forth.“

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Club)

“An association of persons for the promotion of some common object, asliterature, science, politics, good fellowship, etc.; esp. an associationsupported by equal assessments or contributions of the members .”

(http://ardictionary.com/Club/7183)

well… now that we have the same meaning of what is literally A CLUB. Let’s talk more about it…

In this god forsaken club, what is the object? Ah yes… the amount of women each of the member marry.

&Y*^^*^&*^#&*&$*()*#()@*(@*(@&(#&$&*&*#&%&… in other word, I am totally pissed.

DO they mean that they make women as a subject? hobby? interest? that they can compete with each other?

So we women are like animal? that men gather and show to other people, and compare to? I mean like fishing club, right? they talk about where is the best spot to fish for a specific type of fish, where are the places they have fished, how big was the last catch and so on and so on…

Ugh… the thought of it makes me sick!!

Claiming to be moslem but at the end they only thinking about their freaking wangs and how to get it satisfied with more than 1 female… sick sick sick bastard!!