Administered

A few nights ago, I talked to a friend of mine about… well, what else, love and all its’ complications.

I told him that I don’t actually looking for a grand love, a great man or a drop dead gorgeous man. I said that all I want is someone who is compatible to me, and of course then he said, “so you want someone up to your standard?”… well, don’t we all want that?

Someone who is up to our standard, not exactly our own clone, but he or she must fulfil a certain requirement.

It occurs to me that this mate searching in this world, mostly done by intuition, feelings, instinct and all the irrational things of human. What people didn’t realised that we actually looking for someone that can fulfil our (conscious and unconscious) standards.

I remember telling that I wish this mate searching process can be done mechanically, like;

1. Find an opposite gender/sex
2. Check compatibility
   1. Religion
   2. Age
   3. Education
   4. Intelligent
   5. Working status
   6. Lifestyle
   7. Life point of view
   8. Ambition
   9. Vision
   10. Family orientation
   11. Sex orientation
   12. Life orientation
   13. ETC.
3. Check background
   1. Family history
   2. Friends history
   3. Relationship history
   4. Work history
   5. ETC.
4. Check genetic
   1. Illness
   2. Disorder
   3. Abnormality
   4. ETC.

And with that we can conclude whether that person can be our mate or not…

Of course, we all have done it, but not deliberately… I think not many will make that kind of list.

Then that friend said that you might want a Vulcan for a mate… LOL…

Yeah, I do think that less emotion in a relationship will lessen the friction between the two parties.

Another friend tells me, that the game is the exciting part of any relationship. I wish I know where the ‘fun’ part is… since it wasted precious time and energy.

I mean, if I wanted to play game, I turn on the computer or game consoles, and not playing some kind of crazy-sick games of someone’s heart…

Life’s little coincidences…

Last weekend I had a chat with some friends on my messenger, funny things keep popping up!!

First, a junior school mate of mine buzzed me and he told me that he dreamt of me… actually dreamt of my boyfriend (and since when I have one?), he said that he saw a photo of my boyfriend in my facebook photos… (I need to look for him in my gazillions photos now!). This friend of mine was very detail, he said that this bf is dark, look smart, looked good (please note: NOT good looking), and seems to be close to my family, a Padangnese or Arabic descendant… and his name got a J and an S!

It was cute to hear him describe my bf, and how we try to explain the reason for him to dream about that, of course at the end we were rationalizing things.

BUT! A few hours later, I had a chat with my friend’s ex bf, and suddenly he said… “sorry my J and S are broken”… I almost fell off my bed! Funny right?

Rather scary when he told me about he once wrote a poem (about 7 years ago) about water and he throw it away in a bottle to the sea! And then it hits me, I also wrote a poem about the sea a few years back (I didn’t try to remember the exact year… too many coincidences scares the hell out of me). And I should put it here one day… it was quite nice and sweet…

Anyway! I feel that there are too many coincidences around me lately, it almost felt like something or someone is trying to tell me something…

the female mind

A friend of mine once ask, why is it your blog only writes about marriage… of course, being a smart-ass as usual I denied it.
And then when I read this blog… hmm, indeed most of the recent stuff I wrote is mostly about relationship and marriage (I even think that maybe I’m a bit obsessed about it!!).
But now, after quite a while… It came to me… what was the blog name? female mind… and what is the title? Bitchiness is not a crime…
So this blog indeed about some girl being a bitch of anything that comes to her mind, right?
So it’s only fair to write down whatever comes to my (as the bitch) mind at that moment, to be more precise, at this moment.
So, you people who think that this is all just bullshit, please also put in your mind that maybe this is also the same bullshit that goes into your wife/girlfriend/friends/colleague/sister’s head…

The price of motherhood (By Steven E. Landsburg)

“On average, Miller has found in a new paper, a woman in her 20s will increase her lifetime earnings by 10 percent if she delays the birth of her first child by a year. Part of that is because she’ll earn higher wages—about 3 percent higher—for the rest of her life; the rest is because she’ll work longer hours. For college-educated women, the effects are even bigger. For professional women, the effects are bigger yet—for these women, the wage hike is not 3 percent, but 4.7 percent.”

from Steven E. Landsburg article in The Slate, The Price of Motherhood.

Interesting, right?

So on average…  I earn 10% more than my colleagues who had babies in their 20s??

As I was telling Mr. Landsburg, I believe that those women are unwilling to take risk (and maybe spend less time at work?) when they have baby.

I mean when I think about them, and try to project them to me… All I can think is that I would be afraid to take any risk when my child is still a baby. I mean I would not only support myself (not counting on the father at this moment), but also need to provide for my child.

I will not acting up at the office and try to be an employee of the month so my boss would keep me and not to replace me, since now I will have to spend less time at work and more time at home.

And of course I wouldn’t take any risk of having a new job, where I wouldn’t have any idea of how the boss would tolerate my time for my child and probation periode… oh, I need to proof that I am that good by working like hell… so no! I think that’s because those women are lacking security to begin with…

There my fellow singles and women without child, we have 10% more earning than those who has children at early age

Aren’t you glad that it actually worth something?

Polygamy club

You know that this post will come right?

So when the amount of wives become ’similarities’ that one has… women then turn into an achievement or to have more than 1 wife is a goal…

Let see the meaning of a club:

“A club is an association of two or more people united by a common interest or goal. A service club, for example, exists for voluntary or charitable activities; there are clubs devoted to hobbies and sports, social activities clubs, political and religious clubs, and so forth.“

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Club)

“An association of persons for the promotion of some common object, asliterature, science, politics, good fellowship, etc.; esp. an associationsupported by equal assessments or contributions of the members .”

(http://ardictionary.com/Club/7183)

well… now that we have the same meaning of what is literally A CLUB. Let’s talk more about it…

In this god forsaken club, what is the object? Ah yes… the amount of women each of the member marry.

&Y*^^*^&*^#&*&$*()*#()@*(@*(@&(#&$&*&*#&%&… in other word, I am totally pissed.

DO they mean that they make women as a subject? hobby? interest? that they can compete with each other?

So we women are like animal? that men gather and show to other people, and compare to? I mean like fishing club, right? they talk about where is the best spot to fish for a specific type of fish, where are the places they have fished, how big was the last catch and so on and so on…

Ugh… the thought of it makes me sick!!

Claiming to be moslem but at the end they only thinking about their freaking wangs and how to get it satisfied with more than 1 female… sick sick sick bastard!!

As I turn 30…

Today is another milestone of my life, I am turning 30!!

I still remember the days when I feel that being 30 is so damn old… wait! I still feel that way!!!!

Here I am turning 30, without a Dad… without purpose of life, without happiness, without ‘a life’…

You know, deep inside my heart still screams so hard whenever I remember I have no father anymore, whenever I remember his tears after he prays on his last day living, whenever I remember his last stroke of breath, whenever I remember his face turning cold… it still screams, it wont accept reality, it refuses the facts… but I can’t let out the scream. It stuck in my lungs.

I feel like I also died with my father, there is nothing inside me but anger… (I know… I know, it’s the steps of mourning… please leave out the psychology part to me). Right now, I feel cold inside. It’s like this whole body has no soul. An empty shell. Which is an irony, because I can feel a feeling – anger, which of course implies that I do have something inside… whatever is that.

So here I am, 30 years old. Clueless about life.

Hopeless

In pain

Angry

Feels like giving up everything.

Not a good way to start a new decade of my life, or to end a decade.

Things that happened lately makes me realised, that there’s no use to do whatever we do today, since tomorrow we will die eventually… you will leaves everything behind, all the fame and glory, love, money, power, this fragile body, fancy clothes, pretty shoes, make-ups, jewellery, life… it’ll be over soon.

The sadness, the fun, the happiness, the passion, it means nothing at the end. So why do we need to try so hard? Because the little time we had? If it’s so little, why do we even bother to do anything?

Like a pinch of salt to the sea… it means nothing!

Honestly, being average is good enough for me. I just don’t want to put more effort, I just don’t want to torture myself further… it means nothing at the end. (stop saying I should be a good sport, or see life in more positive way, or whatever… I had enough of those!)

Yes – I am furious! Angry to myself, angry to my family, angry to my father, angry to the world… we’re mortals, we deserve to be angry! (vice versa, we’d be extremely angry if we’re immortal)

I prayed to God to take some of my life and give it to my father, because I know I will be half empty when my father gone… so I have no use of it anyway. But I know, all things must end.

My father has a great life, and it’s better to stop gambling when you’re winning… I guessed that is what he does. Stops while everything is great.

I don’t know what to pray to God anymore… good health? It’ll be that IF God wants it, richness? No use, life? Love? Nothing! I really don’t want anything in life.

If only I could see my father, if only I could talk to him, if only he didn’t die… I might still have some hope of life.

I know me being this way is a big disappointment to him, but I can’t help it… life has it course, we have no power over it. So why bother trying setting the course, just live your days… it’ll end eventually.

Happy birthday Papa…

Ingin

Aku masih ingin punya Papa

Aku masih ingin dinikahkan oleh Papa

Aku masih ingin buat Papa bangga

Aku masih ingin berbakti kepada Papa

Tapi aku tidak ingin Papa terus menderita hanya demi keegoisan aku

Aku tidak ingin Papa terus kesakitan

Aku tidak ingin Papa terus merasa tak berdaya

Aku juga tidak ingin Papa tersiksa karena tertahan oleh kami.

Aku ingin benar-benar merelakan Papa

Aku ingin benar-benar memasrahkan semua kepada Allah

Aku ingin Papa benar-benar terbebas

Aku ingin Papa tidak lagi khawatir

Aku ingin terus menangis

Aku ingin air mata ini kering

Aku ingin hati ini berhenti merasa sakit

Aku ingin ini semua hanya sebuah mimpi buruk

Aku ingin Papa ada disini.

Aku hanya manusia yang memiliki keinginan-keinginan manusiawi,

Keinginan-keinginan egois.

Masih kurang rasanya waktu yang diberikan oleh Allah,

Masih kurang rasanya perhatian yang diberikan Papa.

Aku ingin Papa tahu bahwa Papa adalah alasanku untuk bertahan

Aku ingin Papa tahu bahwa semua ajaran Papa tetap aku laksanakan

Aku ingin Papa tahu bahwa hasil didikan Papa tiada tanding

Aku ingin Papa tahu bahwa hati ini tidak pernah tidak mencintai Papa.

In memoriam, Papa Soeryo, 12 October 1948 – 7 October 2009.

The reason to tie the knot

The sex was fantastic.

As a friend told me for his reason to marry his current wife, and for that he admits that it was a wrong reason to ever get married. He agrees with me that all a great marriage need is sexy intelligent conversation, it lasts for a lifetime, he said.

Hmm… makes me wonder, is it really the case? Everyone with enough grey cells in the brain would agree that sex is not everything, but nevertheless not less important. (Although I insist that sex is overrated! It is after all a primitive way to procreate)

But what can be a good reason to tie the knot? (Don’t give me that bullsh*t of preventing oneself from sins… you are human, right? If you are, then you do have the ability to reserve and withheld yourselves – unlike most primitive beings)

I ruled out sex a long time ago as a reason.

Companionship? No need to get married to have that… really! Some of great couples in the world are not married… either because they are gay or just don’t see the need of marriage in their relationship.

Another friend told me that it is our selfish way to preserve ourselves, by passing on our genes so that a piece of us can live forever. If that is the case… you don’t need to be married!!

So here I am, sitting and thinking of a hypothetic situation where if I found anyone worthy enough to spend the rest of my life with… Well, of course I need to marry him. For a very selfish reason!! If he is worthy of a lifetime partnership, I would want him to stay by my side, never to leave me. And for that, I need a solid contract… which commonly known as ‘marriage’.

For some who follows my blog, I realised that I’ve been challenging you on marriage thing (don’t get bored yet… you might missed the big surprise on the later posts), and I hope you are clear to see that I have not found a very good reason to tie the knot.

So I talk about this with a female friend of mine (and we think highly of our brain quality), and we both agree that we will missed out the chance of preserving our genes (and all the good quality that we believe we have) if we never going to get married.

So I told her that I’m going to store my eggs while still searching for another good gene to be combined with mine (in my head I imagine I am 70 years old, meeting up with a 20 something years boy who I think compatible with my gene and sitting with a surrogate mother to be of my child hahahahaha….).

But you have to admit, that is a damn good reason to get married… in fact, that is the unconscious reason for anyone to get married (it is programmed in our DNA to do so).

I wonder… what is a logically good reason for anyone to get married? Please don’t tell me religion, it is irrational… to be married is NEVER a mandatory in any religion.

The classic scene

The man is down on his knees, at on his left hand he present a little velvet box. With the other hand he opens the box and the most beautiful ring the girl ever seen is there… then with his right hand he took the girl right hand. While the girl holds her breath, afraid to move that she might ruin the perfect moment…

The man say, “my love, will you do me the honour and marry me?”. The girl gasp, and throw herself to the man and say, “oh, yes… yes… I will marry you.”, and then they kiss, a deep and long kiss.

Classic eh? Every girls dream? I don’t know.

Well, as you know that this is not a mushy washy girl’s hand that writes the passages of this blog… you ought to know that I will not please you with a happy ever after! (evil grin)

This scene comes to my head after I watch a trailer for some romance-comedy movie (don’t ask me the title… the scene took me away from knowing the title).

Okay. So why is it that a woman needs to wait to be proposed? (I know… in real life, most of the times it didn’t happen the way I portrays).

Why is it that we women need to wait for our men to be ready to commit to this whole marriage thing? Or in short term, we wait for our men to ‘announce’ to the world that we’re ‘officially’ dating. It is rarely the other way around.

In fact, most of us (female) didn’t get the chance to choose, but we are chosen. I mean, even though we’ve dated for some times, it is unusual for the female to proclaim that a man is her boyfriend, unless the man already stated that. If she does that without the agreement from that man, the chance is… he might walk out, running! (the classic line would be, “I didn’t promise you anything, I thought we’re just having fun together”)

For me, it makes me feel like we’re a line of cattle in an auction and trying to get a good farmer to bid on us and take us home (well, we do hope that he is a farmer, not a butcher – but hey, they all look alike).

What makes me sad, honestly… is the fact that the woman is waiting anxiously for her man to pop the question, and if the woman is too eager to get married, it will scares off the man. Many of my friends told me to play it cool, relax, enjoy the game, etc.etc.

In other word, wait until the guy willing/ready/wanting/ whatever to get committed, rite? So why should this be the guy’s privilege? I know the woman is allowed to say yes or no, but it is almost never the woman who is on her knees asking for the man’s hand in marriage. Or it is rarely the woman’s who initiates that their relationship is a steady one.

Yes, I’ve been in such ‘situation’, where we’ve dated for some times (I really thought that we’re dating since he took me out and introduce me to their friends, family, and so on and so on), and at some point in that ‘relationship’ I just want some clarification… Are we on or not? And of course after I asked that question, ALL of those guys run away. Too fast you say? Would a 1-2 years relationship be too fast to ask that clarification? Of course, usually when I ask that question (So what are we? Friends? Lovers? What?), I really want to make sure that it is perfectly alrite for me to date other guys! … (if you think that I’m that desperate to get a status, ha! Guess again!) I just want to play fair.

I guess it is as expected that woman is passive and man is active… but I can’t erase the image of women in line in an auction, stand silently, their eyes searching to the crowds, waiting for their name to be called, she keeps hearing other woman’s name being shout out, watching as one by one of her flock being taken away, eying on the leash (a fancy leather leash, vested with precious stones, or just some old rope), hoping that the next name will be hers, and praying that her bidder is not a butcher…

And the man, feels that he got a good bargain (he feels darn lucky since he didn’t use all of his coins), walks out with his chin up in the sky, feeling so proud of himself, pulling the leash, maybe he brags or maybe not, but he feels like a winner! (I hope he really knows what he take home, since the lighting and ‘make-up’ in the auction room can dazzles one’s eye).

Obsessing over marriage

A friend of mine keeps asking, “Why do people think that asking about your marital plan is part of courtesy?” Well, I have no idea!!

In fact I also wonder, why do people are so freakin’ obsessed over marriage? For me, the older I get, the more I find that marriage concept is absolutely absurd!! Of course I do find that ‘companionship’ is wonderful, but what marriage got to do with it? And why do people are so f*cking pushy of getting us single girls to be married… (Observed how people react to men of my age – it is acceptable to be single!)

So we’ve come up with several theories of our own…

1. Misery needs a company

Those people after they got married for sometimes, they’ve realised that their dream marriage is not EXACTLY like what they’ve planned. It is full of hardship and hard work… Cinderella wedding only lasted for one night and after that they end up where they are before… in the kitchen scrubbing floors and full of ashes on the face tries to keep the family well provided and stay together. And they don’t want to feel like that by their own, they want others to be in their shoes to ‘understand’ them better.

2. Stray dog

Some women see us (single mature ladies) are like stray dogs… so harsh? Let me tell you the analogy… Just like a stray dog, that roams the streets freely, they also have no ‘master’ who can be responsible and pull their lashes to control their action. A stray dog has no sense of belonging, it can enter your backyard and dig up your garden and maybe poop on your porch. Now, apply that perception to your home… a single girl can be a threat! She can just walk in to your home and messed up your family, steal your husband, flirt and still looking great (great body shape since she has never bear a child).

3. Social obligation

Now this actually rather pathetic… So we are living in a society, rite? And there is an unwritten social contract between the members. That we need to take care of each other and keep the society ‘in order’. Imagine if a single person decided not to get married and he/she is very old, senile, fragile, etc. who will take care of that person? He/she got no family, no one to wipe their ass, to put the spoon in their mouth, to make sure that if they die it wont be messy… the responsibility goes to the hand of society! Now, they don’t want to do that, but the social contract put that obligation in their hand. So to prevent that, they pushes the singles to get married and gives the idea that when you’re old, there will be someone to take care of you… hah! (my friend disagree on this, she said that most single women she knows, are very independent and very active – but how will the society be assure of it?)

Okay, it may sound too cynical. But I can’t think of other things that can make people so noisy and pushy about marriage thing… And from today onward, I believe asking about marriage plan when the person is single, is very rude and impolite.